Castor Oil...sickeningly good

Monday, April 24, 2006

Fuck you Krakken

Fuck you motherfucker and your scheme to drive me insane by overflowing my toilets. You can't bring me down!!!

Son of a bitch.


Where's my owl?

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Ashes to ashes dust to dust

The circle of life for a band dude and a message board, in ten easy to follow steps. It's a pretty easy roadmap to destruction to follow along with.....

Step one - Hey what's up so funny glad I found this board. Check out my band can't wait to do showz... :)

Step two - OMIGOD LOL I can't believe that band got mad because someone said something about them on a message board. I would never do that what a bunch of sissies LOL!!!!! CUM 2 MY SHOW!!!!


Step four - I really expected more out of you people.

Step five - It has come to my attention that certain unnamed individuals that participate in this message board have been disparaging the good name of our band. Listen here, we pour our heart(s) and soul(s) into this band and for anyone to disparage it is just out of the boundaries of
decent human behavior and possibly subject to litigation. Therefore because of your unprofessional and childish attitudees I have decided to take my username and avatar and leave. I will now 100% officially say goodbye to this It has become unseemly and out of line with what it used to be when I was on the right side of talking shit about other bands and now that you said about me what we all used to say about those other guys my enlarged heart is filled with histrionic anger. You all are jerks and I hope you get crabs. I'm out, you won't hear from me again losers. If you want to talk about this in person I'll be at our show at Spritzer's Cue Club on Tuesday.

Step six - yeah this me surprise surprise....just got in from Spritzers .....heard some shit.....listen up bitches......kick your shit....this "SCENE" sucks....probably need...a new drummer.....Joey sucks....and all of you can go to hell....

Step eight - Subject "CLEARING THE AIR"
Messages -
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Step ten - Dude seeks other dudes for new band. No attitudes or JOBS!!!! THIS IS SERIUZZ AND WE ARE GOING TO THE TOP!!!!! IF U R NOT LAME EMAIL OUR MANAGER.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

No really....fuck me.

So today life was going along swimmingly. At 2:17 I decided to take a quick shower before hopping on a 2:30 work call with plans to finish that up and then spend the finest part of the day hanging out with the kiddies and the dog and enjoying the sunshine.

I headed up to the Hef suite, (my room), and disrobed and there I was happy and naked and ready to bathe my huge muscles and glisten and smell totally delicious. The only thing left to do pre-soak was hit the flusher on the toilet, (yes I peed before showering as I am not a barbarian like some of you who yellow the shower know who you are) and wash that funk right out of my angelic locks.

Flush......whirl whirl whirl. Hmmm....Oh water God Poseidon why is the water not going away? Worse...why is it coming back towards me?
Uh-oh. It appears he has unleashed the Krakken!!!

I figued I better get some plumbing supplies pronto!, (not to mention a metal owl to guide me if I could find it amongst the tools and suitcases).
Now as it's a super nice day outside every door and window in the house was open wide which is great in theory but when you're au nauturel and in dire need of getting to the other end of the mansion on the hill to procure a plunger and a mop...not so good. Well, I mean, not so good for me and my sense of modesty but 100% wonderful for any random passersby who would catch a glimpse of me streaking by and think "My gosh, who knew the Sun God Apollo lived in this neighborhood?!?" get the beautiful if massively panicked picture.

So with no other recourse for coverage as all of the towels had been tossed to the floor to mop up the flood and I didn't have time to pick out a wardrobe I went flying down the stairs as is and procured the plunger and the mop. A-OK. On the way back up to the bathroom however I caught the mop handle on a stair causing it to jam into my armpit and spin me around, naked, into the wall which I bounced off of handily and fell flat on my face in the stairwell. That...really...really....hurt.

Cursing and in pain I stumbled up the stairs and through the living room where of course some crusty old bitch walking her dog caught me full agander as she was peering at the open door. You can have that one for free Granny but the next peek will cost you plenty.

It was now 2:19.
Frenzied I stabbed at the pool of water and cursed my ineffectual mop to the lower quadrants of Hell. After realizing that I was dealing with a massively ineffective not so quicker picker upper I ran down to the linen closet for more towels. Sheets, blankets, bibs all of those were readily available but a couple of towels? No way. This was also not a great time to recall the Mrs. telling me every day for the last week that we were out of paper towels and could I keep my promise to get some. Not a great time but the memory of the request from my sweetest was boring into my brain like that slug did to Mr. Chekhov in the Wrath of Kahn. I had to make do with what I had and it looks like whoever sleeps over next will get some spanking new sheets on the guest room bed. Sigh........

Eventually I got the water under control and bundled up all the soaking shirts and tea-towels and socks and sheets and whatever else I could use and brought it all to the basement for a thorough warshin'. Passing the kitchen I saw the dog having a nice refreshing drink off the tile floor and thought, "Look at that cute dog having a nice refreshing drink on the tile floor she's so sweet and WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING DRINKING OFF THE FLOOR WHEN THERE IS NO WATER CONSTRAINT DEVICE LIKE A BOWL ANYWHERE NEAR HER!?!?!??!" It seems gravity has decided to fuck me along with Poseidon and cause the flood to migrate through the bathroom floor to my kitchen cabinets and down through to the floor. So now I have toilet water soaked Uncle Ben's to go through and toss along with the dismantling of cabinetry, Cascading every kitchen utensil we own, washing the soaking wet sopper supplies, scrubbing everything to surgical sterility and hoping the dog didn't really drink any pee. All of this occurred between 2:17 and 2:32.

I got on the work call at 2:33 as no matter how flustered I was I had to take care of the business of taking care of business and the first thing anybody says is.............
"Sorry I'm late, had to take a bathroom break!"

If you only knew.

I know Cheney is behind this somehow. Damn you Cheney and your foul allegiance to Posiedon and the God of Gravity!!!!!! You will not deter me from my right to happiness and fresh armpits!! I will overcome!

Right after I finish cleaning.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Good Kitty

<-----Trey at Iota. Basking in the warm embrace.

We just, after months if not years of scheduling problems, booked our first show at the Black Cat or as I like to call it El Gato Del Negro. I am finding this booking to be quite exciting.

Y’see when you’re in a band there are certain rooms that embrace you with more open arms than other for whatever reason and as is human nature you tend to yearn for the love of those that cast your affections away. It’s not a logical thing at all, at least for me, as there are certain rooms that I hold in middling regard that others find tremendous and rooms that I hold dear that some find odiferous. The Cat is one that I have wanted to snuggle up to since the birth of the band but no matter how I flipped my hair it just never seemed to happen until now. I have seen so many shows there they have my liver on speed dial and I even played there once in Luka Brazzi but the Prophets have never mined their gold for whatever reason and I’m really happy for the chance to swing my sledge hammer, (musically speaking). The show is on a Monday, no sweat. Is it weird to go from playing weekends to being geeked for a Monday? Not really. It's the room we want to get into so we'll take what we can get until we can prove that we can get what we can take. Translate that into a big invitation for all of you to get out there and drink the bars as dry as Ruth after the salt incident so they want us and your hollow legs back for bigger nights.

But back to the concept of room love. Other rooms big or small have their own relationship with the Prophetitos and logically there doesn’t seem to be a real reason for the love or lack thereof from one to another but there is. Fer instance….

Above all places on this here earth I will always hold Iota more dear than others for many reasons most of them more personal than band related. My adult life and the important players in it are one way or another intrinsically related to the bar and a bit of my soul is layered in the paint on the walls, at least I think so, and I will always call Iota home. It is a special place for me. Bar none number one. Is it the biggest, nope, but it is the best. Bank it.

Another great great place for the Prophets is the Velvet Lounge. The Velvet calls to the darkest and warmest places in my heart. It’s a room built for rock and roll. Fuck the TV’s, fuck pool tables and that ilk; just a stage, a great sound system, a floor for people to get groovy on and murder in the air. I love playing there. Some people don’t, I call them sissies. The Velvet rules.

I would love to play the 9:30 Club just to say I did it and have a lot of pictures taken.

On the other hand a nice joint that a lot of bands round here play is DC9 and for whatever reason we never clicked. We sent some show ideas back and forth but I think both parties just said…..ehhhhhhhhhhhhh. I go see shows there and maybe someday we’ll play there but it’s just off my horizon and I’m reasonably sure we’re off theirs. Is there a measurable difference between Iota, Black Cat backstage, Velvet Lounge and DC9? Not really. But in my little universe there is and for no good or bad it just is the way that it is. Odds.

That’s a mini-microcosm.

May 22nd, Pharmacy Prophets for the very first time at the Black Cat.

It ain’t just another Manic Monday.

Woah oh oh.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Like a Viking

It's been four years and two days since one of my best friends, John Kidner, died and in my busy business and selfishness I forgot all about it. Goddamn I feel like a shit.

If you ever read the mover portraits on this here blog all those maniacs worked with me at his company, Kidner Transport.
The first show the Pharmacy Prophets ever played was a benefit at Iota in John's honor and I thought about him a lot when we graced that same stage last Saturday. I find myself thinking about him even more today.

John Kidner was my boss and my greatest irritation, my landlord for a time, my conspirator in awful behavior and above all my friend. At his funeral we buried him with a pair of red Chuck Taylor's and our friend Shaun from the band Kung Fury played a Jeff Beck song by the grave. To this day I have never been more gut punched by a piece of music and I doubt that I ever will. Pretty rough but amazing stuff.

John I'm sure you're up on some celestial plane or another laughing at the fact that your picture still makes me cry. I can't help it, I'm just a sensitive soul despite my brusque and intimidating exterior. In the spirit of toughening up the innards I'm sporting a Kidner Transport, "Manly Men Moving Manly Things in a Manly Way", shirt and promise that I'll try harder to live up to the ideals of a Viking.

I miss the shit out of you buddy.

Rest in Peace.

It's too much...too much.......too much

Somewhere a marketing intern is looking at this on the Ikea showroom floor and thinking to himself, "I can't believe those Swedish idiots didn't catch that."

Too funny.

I want to buy one.....because I'm a jerk silly!

And now on to the show.

Wow, it's been some time since I graced this pasture. I have considered just shutting down el bloggo due to lack of time but I'm going to do the opposite and make it greater than ever. Get ready.....I'm going to start posting when drunk!


Anyhoo things have been terribly busy with the other half of life that concerns employment but who cares? You work a bit, you get paid, you go have some fun, big deal. I type on a computer all day. Boo hoo. Woe is me. It's really a piece of cake just one that takes some time to consume on occasion.

It's my birthday tomorrow which should be a huge ceremonial event across the land but mostly it's a bunch of pissed off people in line at the Post Office waiting to drop off their taxes. The thing about having a birthday on April 15th, you can always find someone to have a drink with. The downside is they're usually borderline suicidal and looking to stick you with the check. I do get free shots tonight at the local yokel tavern up the road and will take full advantage of that. My liver has yet to even think of recovering from last weekend's visit from Ali Baba but internal organs like the Warrior Knights of Kima must eternally soldier on.

I just made up the Warrior Knights of Kima so don't bother googling it, (Jeff.)

Speaking of last weekend that Iota show was a full out blast. The place was jammed and the spirits were high and much rocking and frolicking was occurring. Good good times. One of my oldest friends from la neighborhood came down from Williamsburg and we caught up well. I met a guy who played guitar and bass for George Clinton for 22 years, how fucking cool is that? He was a total swank character and I hope to run into him again and hear the stories that run through his veins. Many thanks to everybody who came out to our show, any other Six Points show , and especially to the folks that put the whole shooting match together. It was good and it will get gooder.

This just in - Cheney throws a baseball as well as he figures out foreign policy.

I am still fully ambivalent despite my want for ire about what's going on with the country. I watched a Joe Biden interview last week and couldn't help thinking that he could have won where Kerry lost, that is, appearing to not be made of tin and having a rusty mousetrap for a yapper. But he didn't run, Kerry did and now we're all heading towards Armageddon. Ah well...pack your water wings for I hear the rivers of lava in Hell have strong currents.

Now playing - "Back to Mystery City" by Hanoi Rocks. Good juju on this one.

Philito rolled the dice and got a questionable haircut. My reign of Sexy Hair Overlord is now uncontested until he can regather his strength for another run at the title. Like THAT will ever really happen. I just got his wedding invite in the mail, I hope it won't ruin the moment for him when people are like, "God this is so beautiful, almost as beautiful as that guy's hair, (pointing at me)."

Monday is the anniversary of the day I hoodwinked the Mrs. Into legal union with yours truly. She is quite the thing and every day I think she's cooler and cooler. So bless you dear for you are of the Saints, the really sexy Saints.

I have some tip tapping to do in return for the Johnny Paycheck but will probably post up some thoughts on the full out stupidity and absolute absurdness of a guitar player experience I recently had. It's funny and dumb all at the same time, like John Gibson!

See ya later and thanks for hanging in there with me.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Just for old time's sake - now with updates!!

Bow down before me and before my prescient nature!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suck my hammer Tom.

And in other news
just in from the Washington Post. It seems that Bush authorized the Iraq intelligence leak to that uber-hag Judith Miller!!


Who could have seen that one coming?

What's next the sky is blue, I am raw sex appeal and water is wet??? What the fuck? Can't we just buy out his contract for gross ineptitude, dishonesty and general shitheadedness at this point and call it a term? But why you say? Sure things aren't going so great what with Iraq heading into Civil War, painting ourselves into a corner over Iran, Hamas getting the keys in Palestine, the Taliban sneaking up like George Mason in the NCAA tourney over in Afghanistan, the gulf coast heading for another marvelous hurricane season with the place still a wreck and so many other annoyances to BushCo but at least we're protected against human animal hybrids and embryo molestation!!!!!

Onward Christian soldiers!!!!!

Oh yeah and just to be fair I think McKinney is a fucking dolt who should be tossed in jail so dumbassedness is fair and alive on both sides of the aisle.



Tuesday, April 04, 2006

New On Tap column is up and I'm about to fall down

The weather is great in Chicago and I can't wait to get the fuck out of here.

I'm beat.

New column is live at the fortress of On Tappito.

Big show on Saturday night at Iota, come worship with style and panache.

Pharmacy Prophets w/ Koshari and the Speaks

Dig it.