Castor Oil...sickeningly good

Thursday, April 07, 2005

If I had a hammer

After the lunatic rantings and near disemboweling of myself over the Presidential elections I vowed inwardly to not get worked up over politics anymore and I have done a pretty good job of that up to this point. Sure, I’ve had a few slips here and there. Like the other day when I had just gotten the wee infant daughter to sleep and the phone rang, waking her up and sending my blood pressure into the atmosphere……

Me – “Hello….”
Fred – “Hello Sir, this is Fred from the Friends of John Kerry”
Me – “Oh you have to be fucking kidding me”
Fred – “Sir, as a loyal friend of Senator Kerry…”
Me – “Hey Fred, listen closely for a second OK….
Fred – “Sir?....I’m calling…”
Me - :Fred, stop and listen to me…OK?”
Fred – “Sure sir, go right ahead.”
Me – “Fred you just called me and woke up my sleeping baby daughter presumably to ask for more of my money to give to a guy that’s married to a billionaire and that I watched mount the most inexcusably inept and pathetic Presidential campaign imaginable. You people with millions and millions of dollars, some of them mine, couldn’t figure out how to beat a half-witted charlatan that had launched this country into a war over nothing…NOTHING FRED…..N-O-T-H-I-N-G…..NOTHING!!!!!!! The economy was in the shitter, the deficits were off the charts, we had a flu epidemic, the President made a complete and total asshole out of himself on nation-wide television, our soldiers were being blown up all over Iraq and our citizens were getting their heads chopped off on the evening news because of this shitwit and you still managed to let him beat you. Five months later his approval rating is in the 40s Fred, in the 40s and he still beat “my friend” John, and by complicity, you Fred. He beat you and now you ask me for more cash. For what? To do what? What the fuck are you going to do with it? YOU LOST DON’T YOU REALIZE THAT FRED!!!!!! It’s amazing, really, the heights of stupidity that y’all hit. So do me a favor Fred, tell my friend John to take me off his calling list and that the next time he needs money he can go fuck himself and his hagged out wife with a bottle of Heinz 57 sauce.
Fred – “Sir that kind of attititude is really unnecessary…
Me – “No Fred, that kind of attitude was and still is totally necessary. You just don’t realize it and that’s why you are where you are and unfortunately me and the rest of the country are right there with you. Now fuck right off.”

Sure I was a little hard on Fred but the baby was crying and he had stirred up a whole lot of pent up frustration. I also was just in a shitty mood over a freshly stubbed toe so it was nice to have a target for my ire that wasn’t physically there to punch me in the face. But as I said for the most part I have been pretty good about the whole politics thing to the point that I can watch with simple amused fascination as Tom Delay continues to get his large man tits twisted deeper in the wringer every day by the, “liberal media”. I have to believe in karma, I have to. The old axiom “what comes around goes around” just seems to prove itself true every damn day. Shit, Pat O’Brien dishes the dirt on celebrities for years and then lo and behold there he is on tape talking about doing coke and eating some woman’s ass. KARMA!!!! Ashlee Simpson…KARMA!!! Me starting to receive the adulation and respect that I so richly deserve…burgeoning KARMA!!!!!!!!!!!

So as I have done many times in the past I chit-chatted with Professor Wes about this Delay thing. Wes is a bonafide history Professor for real and for true and knows lots about lots of things and can usually manage to both inform and make me laugh my ass off at the same time which is a good and rare thing. I told him that Delay reminds me of Smokin’ Joe McCarthy and Wes agreed with the historical footnote that, “McCarthy was actually doing ok till he decided to take on the army.” As I read up more on McCarthy that turned out to pretty much be the case. When you read more about him, which you should and can here - -, you’ll find that aside from being quite possibly the biggest asshole in the history of American politics McCarthy little more than the kind of loudmouthed fuckfaced nitwith that I seem to find myself constantly surrounded by at the local watering hole. He was a dope and a drunk and an ignorant lout and a shitty gambler. Hell, I can picture him sitting on a stool at the bar watching TV with the regular morons and waxing idiotic……………….

“Let me tell you Boob, the Reds are everywhere.”
“I hear ya Joe….hey do you think those beanbags are that whore’s real titties?”
“Probably not, goddamn whores with their fake titties……and Commies, don’t forget the Commies.”
“Yeah, I’d bang the shit out of her though”
“Oh hell yeah Boob, hell yeah!!!! Hey, I hear the Pope was a goddamn Commie”
“No shit?”
“You bet your ass he was….and a Nazi!”
“Fucking Pope.”
“You got that right! Hey turn up the volume, Days of Thunder is coming on!”
“You think those are Nicole Kidman’s real titties?”
“Naw, they’re fake. Hey I hear that Tom Cruise is a fag….and a Commie!”
“No shit?”
“No shit.”
“This is a good movie though, even though he’s a fag and a commie.”
“Oh hell yeah.”
“Wouldja pass the beer nuts?”

But back to Major Tom. He’s just one of those people that I see on the TV and instantly take a massive disliking to. Add him to the list that includes the singer from the Goo Goo Dolls, Pat Collins and Will Thomas from the local news, Mo Rocca, Richie Sambora, Pat Robertson, Dick Cheney, the creepy Burger King from the new Burger King ads, Ted Koppel, the barefoot Contessa and Ariel Sharon. The list goes on but that’s the folks that come to mind at the moment. I always thought Delay was an asshole, (tolerable) and an eager proponent of dismantling the constitution to further his own bullshit agenda, (not tolerable). Seriously, anyone who embraces the nickname “the hammer” is either a gay porn star or a simple flaming fuckface, (or both). I just hate this big white guy chest-puffing bullshit that Delay seems to be all about with his little sycophantic buddies prancing around his ankles while he uses “plain talk” to “get his point across” as to “what the people want”.

Hey I’m a people and I want you to shut the fuck up and go back to running a shady pest extermination business in the butthole of Texas you dick. How about it?

It was the only glimmer of joy that I could find in the whole pathetic Schiavo situation that the American people both red and blue, crackers and cokeheads, whores and wanna-be-whores masquerading as soccer moms took a look at what Congress was up to and said, “That is seriously fucked”

Wasn’t it just a few months ago that we were all supposed to be so concerned with the threat that those scary hordes of fags were perping on the sacred bond of marriage between a man and a woman? Oh it was fucking D-Day time for the future of mankind, remember???? Remember those scary lesbians on the courthouse steps exchanging vows while they plotted to eat your babies and turn your older daughters into sex crazed unshaven Vegan Satan worshippers!!!! It was the GAYPOCALYPSE and we had to re-elect our stalwart heroes on the right so they could defend us from these pesto loving armies of filth with their Melissa Etheridge war cries and rainbow stickered Cabriolets!!!!! IT WAS WAR!!!!!

That is, right up until Delay and his monkeys decided that the whole sanctity of marriage business didn’t matter for shit compared to the furor they could spin up over a single brain-damaged woman with water in the brain and a terribly sad intrusion into the lives of her and her family. While plainly not caring one sliver of a shiver about Schiavo herself Uncle Tom and his pissboys decided that they could really dispense some Kool-Aid to the lunatic nitwits that propagate a “Culture of Life.” Never mind the fact that number one “Lifer” George Bush was all for zapping retards and minors in the electric chair while he was running Texas. Don’t think for a minute about the fact that Delay pulled the plug on his own fucking father a few years back. Oh no, this was different!!!! Terry must be saved so the douchebags that Randall Terry and his ilk get worked up into a lather would fund Delay’s PAC to the brim so he could save the world for Jesus, (and allow him and his family to continue to barnstorm all over the world and line their pockets with rubels and kopecs from Russian oil mobsters). Hey why not give it a shot? Every other maniacal shenanigan they pulled over the last few years paid of in spades with the bible-thumpers. How could the lose by pulling a commando style legislative maneuver to save her from the Pagan hordes that hold the Constitution in some dithering regard over what’s “the right thing to do!” Alert the National Guard, we’re on a crusade to save Terry!!!!! But finally, finally, finally it seems that enough was enough and the pulse of the nation actually agreed that, “goddamit I wouldn’t want to be kept alive in that state either and who the fuck are you assholes in Washington to take that decision away from me and my family. Fuck you Tom.”


And as it turns out as things often do that once the shit-slide starts it gathers momentum. Every day it’s a new thing in the papers about what a chuckleheaded shit Delay is and how he has systematically abused his office, his peers, his constituents and you and me. The sharks have started to gather in the water for “the hammer” and the same system that he and his cronies have used to fuck others for years is about to turn around and fuck him right up his fucking ass. Y’know, when you’re enough of a dick to put yourself on a mountain top so high that you think that the FAA is on beck and call for your political purposes the drop is precipitously long and painful. Delay will piss and cry about it and how unfair and intrusive the media is and blah, blah, blah. He’s already started down that road. I can hear it now, “it’s dirty politics and woe is me and how could you forsake me Jesus after all of the cash I have raised in your name?!?!??!”

Somewhere along the line his buddies will turn on him and let him get strung up on charges and he will be disgraced. When that happens I hope that somewhere in Harlem Bill Clinton will think back to the Kenneth Starr investigation and the impeachment hearings that got wound up over a blowjob and politics and laugh his big fat fucking ass off.


I love it.


  • Might be your best post to date. Did you know that Ken Starr was defending some guy in Virginia and the defendant got the death penalty?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:14 AM  

  • Did you really actually say all that stuff to the guy on the phone? Damn. That's awesome. I wish I could come up with scathing rants like that on the spot. Damned ole brain...

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:41 AM  

  • You said "hard on."

    By Blogger doctorjones, at 11:22 AM  

  • Unfortunately, the majority of Americans disagrees with you on Bush. An increasing number in every state (except New Hampshire) voted for him.

    Why pick on Pat O'Brien. I hear he's doing well. Here is a blog that chronicles his time in rehab.

    By Anonymous Castor Frat Friend, at 12:01 PM  

  • Damn, this has to be the first time you and I agree on a political issue. You are starting to sound like a conservative libertarian (like myself) more than the bleeding heart liberal you pledge to be. But you called it on the night of the election when I thought my buddy W. had lost. I still don't know who the Missus voted for.

    By Anonymous Bully, at 1:37 PM  

  • I think you brainswash me when I'm gettign drunk in your basement.

    By Blogger Castor OiL, at 3:33 PM  

  • That was awesome. Totally made my Friday.

    I hate Will Thomas too, but my real ire is reserved for that shithead, Brian Bolter

    By Anonymous Tom, at 7:47 AM  

  • You are correct to slam Kerry and his paid friends. He is a loser because he shares the same values as Bush. If Kerry had any balls he would have berated the woman at the debates who did not want her taxes to pay for state funded abortions. Instead of shaming the woman for imposing her beliefs on others using state police powers, Kerry acted like a frightened little girl who did not want to lose this woman's vote. Had Kerry stood up for peoples' rights and accused the Republicans of wanting to force womem to have unwanted babies he would have displayed some conviction and courage and won the election.

    By Blogger Replogos, at 2:40 PM  

  • You got Wonked.

    By Blogger The Deceiver, at 3:22 PM  

  • well i read most of the words what you rote an someadem wernt so understnable to me but damnit boy you shur could say a lot a words about bout stuff that i is justa starten to find out

    one thang thatsa bit pekular
    you got a talkin boob over thare?

    hotdamn liberul get all the good stuff first

    By Anonymous toothlessinseatle, at 3:25 PM  

  • Awesome screed! Are you sure you weren't channelling Hunter?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:06 PM  

  • Well yeah; the Dems need to stop letting those crybabies who are so gleefully running the whole show into the ditch always define the terms of the debate. I kept on cringing every time, during the last election, that Kerry or Edwards would look reverent at some Christer sap and say, "I respect your opinion," or when they'd say, "I personally think (abortion, being queer at all,etc.) is wrong, but the law's the law..."
    Bullshit. There's already a GOP. Why would anyone want GOP Lite?
    Nice bloggin'.

    By Blogger rich bachelor, at 4:08 PM  

  • That was absolutely gorgeous.

    By Blogger M. Duss, at 6:48 PM  

  • good words, dude

    By Anonymous, at 7:17 PM  

  • you can't see, but i'm applauding. i'm also making your site my homepage. f---ing brilliant.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:34 AM  

  • From this 62 year-old liberal Christian Democrat lady, (leaving out the rauncy language), I couldn't have said it better! Right on, baby!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:11 PM  

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