Appetite for Liver Destruction

Oh my lord, my body is weary. I have not slept for more than seven hours in a week and during that time I have soused my blood with alcohol to the point of ruin and my bones they are achy. I had a lot of fun though so all in all it was worth it. I mentioned that I went to Dallas for work and did the whole hotel convention thing. Creepy McFathands was there and he apparently still has hard feelings about our little miscommunication. He perped me with a hateful glare on a couple of occasions. Poor Creepy, I guess it’s true, you really can’t be friends with someone who broke your heart. Anyhoo….

The lovely Mrs. took my two lovely wee childs to Deep Creek Lake for the week so I was home alone yesterday. This is not a good thing for me as I tend to process boredom in a predictable manner. “Hmmm, this is boring. I think I’ll go get drunk.” After work I went up to the local yokel bar and watched “Final Analysis” with the retards in attendance. Listening to incredibly stupid motherfuckers make their banal commentary and predictions on what’s coming next is more entertaining than what is on the tube most of the time. To refresh, the movie is about a psychiatrist (Richard Gere) who starts banging the sister (Kim Basinger) of his disturbed but massively hot patient (Uma Thurman). So a murder happens and they go to trial and the black dad from “Something about Mary” (he got the beans over the franks and whatnot) is the detective trying to figure the whole thing out. Decent enough movie, very early 90’s, extremely easy to see where the plot is going. My compatriots piped up with these bits of wisdom throughout –

“Hey ain’t the doctor a fag or something?”
“Awww I bet they ain’t sisters, I bet they’re dykes!”
“Tell you what, the black feller is up to his ass in this nonsense”
“Thet girl was in the Fifth Element, she’s from Norway or something.”
“Do they show tits on this channel?”
“Damn Boob, did you fart?”
“See, I told you they was dykes…what do you mean they ain’t!”
“Awww shit she’s going to shoot him in his dick!”

Really, that’s only the tip of the iceberg. I left them during reruns of kickboxing from the Bellagio. It was just too much to take…..

I ended up at Dr. Dremo’s last night late, late, late and had a pretty good time at the old open mic night. It was like old home week with a bunch of people I actually like showing up, (rare) to counter-balance the loathsome creatures that I frequently see there Of course I could talk about the good people but what fun is that? So on to the dicks….

For the second time in my life I was subjected to a total clown that looks like Hagrid from Harry Potter destroying the sonic harmony with his stupid Korg keyboard renditions of classic rock songs. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds monotone with a ticky-tack keyboard drumbeat…..not so good. There was a dude in a cowboy hat that was pretty terrifying. He was drunk, angry, and eventually down stripped down to a wife beater as he kept flexing up. I’m not sure if he was there alone but he was solitary most of the night just throwing darts really really really hard at the dart board and glaring around like a maniac. I kept my distance accordingly. All in all though things were going well and I was jolly (and massively intoxicated) until comedian open mic guy got up to play. I get it OK, Adam Sandler and Tenacious D., funny. It makes me laugh. Unfortunately their presence has spawned legions of douchebags who write their witty songs about fucking and fat girls and how pathetic they are…blah blah blah. It’s awful and endless going on and on and on and on and on and on and on like this sentence on and on. If I want comedy I’ll go to a comedy club or watch Tom Delay trying to appear sincere on C-Span. Lovely Ann was getting pretty tired of the whole thing and it looked like she might spray the guy with kerosene and lead a match flicking party but she held back…..too bad. Hey, burning alive worked for Richard Pryor, maybe it could work for this guy too!

Philito got up and played with his band and they sounded good. I dig that vibe.

Anyway, I’m tired and hungry. I have posts in the works about the Kidner life and the genius of Ali Baba so I should be back up to my expected level of brilliance and outright sexiness soon. Thanks for bearing with me. My hair still looks fantastic, in case you were wondering.