Castor Oil...sickeningly good

Monday, November 21, 2005

Sucking it

I have lots to say but little time to say it.


Bang your ass with a big can of fruit cocktail and dance the shimmy shimmy dang dang until the lights come on.

Then go to church and beg your daddy for salvation.

I'll be here lighting candles and firing up the bourbon trolley.

I look great.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

And the lordah saidah.....

Did anyone else catch Jerry Kilgore's concession speech last night? I have been totally creeped out by him ever since I heard him speak and just couldn't put my finger in...I mean on....who he reminded me of. So he lost and I'm laughing at watching this fucking jerk on TV try to smile through his seething anger and frustration. It was great, I could almost hear his teeth cracking they were grinding so hard. Still I was confused about who his other half was until he started thanking Jesus for his getting his ass kicked by a baby killing murderer loving homo marrying Democrat and it struck me. Kilgore is the real life version of Reverand Timothy Lovejoy from the Simpsons (minus any intentional comedic value). They sound the same, shit they LOOK the same. It's crazy. Go watch the speech on CNN and then catch a Simpsons re-run with Lovejoy in it and recognize my brilliance once again.

Goddamit I'm smart!!!!

On another note I have been trying to hold my tongue on some serious band guy idiocy that has been going on lately. Basically some band guy has his band guy titties all in a twist because people criticize band guy's band yet band guy actively participates in forum that slams other bands that band guy is playing shows with. I think it's rude at best, totally weak and stupid at worst. Rudeness causes wrinkles. I might get the better of myself (whoo whoo) and fire away at band guy if things continue.....what do you think?

Speaking of bands there's a bunch of shows I'd like to catch this Friday night starting with Philito and the Bad Habituals playing at Stacatto down in la Morgana de Adam's which should be good for the ears and bad for the liver. In grand old Virginny which restored a modicum of faith in the sanity of it's citizenry last night, (see Kilgore/Lovejoy bit above), my good pal and holder of the angelic tones Claire Gilbride is playing at Zig's in Alexandria. Zig's has a terrible name but a healthy attitude towards the ideal liquor to mixer ratio in their cocktails so it's worth the trip when you add Claire to the cocktails.

Also in the Commonwealth enfant' terrible (in a totally good way) Viki Nova will be rocking it out with "How are they going to fit on that stage?!?!?" blogger beloved Full Minute of Mercury at TT Reynold's in Fairfax on Friday. Full Minute's drummer Dan was apparently at our CD release show so I want to return the favor and I have yet to see the new lineup of the band. It's purported to be rocking and lord knows I love the rocking. Six strong like the Brady Bunch, (though I think it's 4-2 boys v girls these days).

If I can procure that transporter beam from Overstock in time I'll be at all of them rockers. If not.....well.....I'll do my best.

Anyway tomorrow I'll be back with some inspired thoughts on what a dick someone is, (I'm just not sure who that's going to be yet).

Monday, November 07, 2005

Robin and Bill

My phone has been ringing off the hook lately.

It seems that Robin DeJarnette who is the Executive Director of the Virginia Conservative Action Pac or VCAP!!!, (VCAP is a Political Action Committee committed to electing white male shitheads with big teeth and disturbing hair into the Virginia political system), has put me on the auto-dialer hot list for tomorrow’s elections and assumes that I can be swayed into getting all my friends and neighbors to vote for JERRY KILGORE because “CANDIDATE BILL BOLLING” CALLED ME PERSONALLY!!!!!!!!!!! Over and over and over and over again.

There is no option during the call for removing myself from the list and they never answer the phone at VCAP HQ when I call to ask that they do so I am left to the age old written word to voice my displeasure. I thought I would share the correspondence with you and you and you, (and you too!) Following is an email I sent this morning to my pals Robin and Bill. I’ll put their contact info here as well in case you want to say hi.

Robin DeJarnette
Executive Director

Bill Bolling
Candidate for Lt. Governor of Virginia

So here we go……

Dear Robin and Bill,

Your second pre-recorded phone call of the day from "candidate Bill Bolling" just woke up my sleeping daughter. Is waking up cherubic little tykes by calling them early in the morning really the best campaign strategy that you can come up with? Bill, do you hate babies? Robin, is that your real hair in the photo on These and so many other questions about you and your team run through my mind every time I answer your calls over and over and over again on both lines coming into my house. Like, why does Jerry Kilgore look like he's crapping a razor blade when he smiles and who dressed him in that ill-fitting orange dress shirt for the TV commercials? Don't you people have eyes!?!?!?!?!

Anyway since you seem totally convinced that it's OK to bug the hell out of me and my family I thought I would offer a suggestion. If you're going to spam people relentlessly be kind enough to do it in a way that won't wake sleeping children. That might at least give people the impression that you're semi-cognizant, (although still disturbingly rude).

For example you could send me unasked for and unwanted tripe from "candidate Bill Bolling" via email. His message would fit in nicely with the other unwanted and uninteresting stuff I get. Bill can abuse my inbox and I'll have it all....calls for me to spice up my sex life, my penis size, buy a new watch and after going through a full frontal lobotomy possibly vote for an unqualified wingnut like Jerry Kilgore.


Now I know these must be busy times for both of you Bill and Robin. Tomorrow is the big Election day after all and I'm sure you and Jerry and the gang are busy out there scaring as many white people as you can find about those crazy loco immigrants, radical homosexuals and how Tim Kaine wants to kill their babies. It must be time consuming to get out that kind of fear-mongering and petty thinking to even one person so I suppose I can understand why you have to record the phone calls and have HAL 2000 auto-dial all the white folks. It's just a matter of not enough time to get done what you need to get done, right? I get it, I really do. Can John Denver go around singing "Leaving on a jet plane" personally to everyone that doesn't want to hear it?

Of course he can't!!!

He's dead!!!!

But even when he was alive he had to record records and go on the Muppet show and the like to put his soul crushing melodies into the ears of the innocents. Just like you, only instead of singing it's that reedy voice that sounds like gravel being sucked up through a vacuum cleaner on the phone..."this is candidate Bill....."

Back on the life and death I'm assuming that you're both alive although you could possibly be part of an army of undead demons from the 6th circle of hell. If so that would technically put you in the middle between life and death. A tricky wicket there with the pro-life every life is precious until we decide to execute you in the name of Jesus thing you have going on. Not saying that you are but if one or both of you do indeed happen to be servants of Satan and part of the legions that walk in the night can you clarify whether....

a) you can campaign during the day and not turn to dust.

b) does Chris Craddock's hair scare you like it does us mere mortals?

In closing I would like to tell you that I am a registered independent voter who leans Democrat but would definitely consider voting for a Republican if they impressed me the right way. So far you guys have impressed me as being mean-spirited, petty, annoying and without any sort of genuine idea other than to be assholes and hope that all the other assholes line up behind you. That's not really the impression that will get my vote. Who wants to hang out with assholes all day and not get paid for it? Not me!!

So you blew it with me anyway. Maybe next time Bill. If you want to talk about it you have my number.