Robin and Bill

My phone has been ringing off the hook lately.

It seems that Robin DeJarnette who is the Executive Director of the Virginia Conservative Action Pac or VCAP!!!, (VCAP is a Political Action Committee committed to electing white male shitheads with big teeth and disturbing hair into the Virginia political system), has put me on the auto-dialer hot list for tomorrow’s elections and assumes that I can be swayed into getting all my friends and neighbors to vote for JERRY KILGORE because “CANDIDATE BILL BOLLING” CALLED ME PERSONALLY!!!!!!!!!!! Over and over and over and over again.

There is no option during the call for removing myself from the list and they never answer the phone at VCAP HQ when I call to ask that they do so I am left to the age old written word to voice my displeasure. I thought I would share the correspondence with you and you and you, (and you too!) Following is an email I sent this morning to my pals Robin and Bill. I’ll put their contact info here as well in case you want to say hi.

Robin DeJarnette
Executive Director
robin@vcap.org

Bill Bolling
Candidate for Lt. Governor of Virginia
bbolling@mindspring.com

So here we go……


Dear Robin and Bill,

Your second pre-recorded phone call of the day from "candidate Bill Bolling" just woke up my sleeping daughter. Is waking up cherubic little tykes by calling them early in the morning really the best campaign strategy that you can come up with? Bill, do you hate babies? Robin, is that your real hair in the photo on VCAP.org.? These and so many other questions about you and your team run through my mind every time I answer your calls over and over and over again on both lines coming into my house. Like, why does Jerry Kilgore look like he's crapping a razor blade when he smiles and who dressed him in that ill-fitting orange dress shirt for the TV commercials? Don't you people have eyes!?!?!?!?!

Anyway since you seem totally convinced that it's OK to bug the hell out of me and my family I thought I would offer a suggestion. If you're going to spam people relentlessly be kind enough to do it in a way that won't wake sleeping children. That might at least give people the impression that you're semi-cognizant, (although still disturbingly rude).

For example you could send me unasked for and unwanted tripe from "candidate Bill Bolling" via email. His message would fit in nicely with the other unwanted and uninteresting stuff I get. Bill can abuse my inbox and I'll have it all....calls for me to spice up my sex life, my penis size, buy a new watch and after going through a full frontal lobotomy possibly vote for an unqualified wingnut like Jerry Kilgore.

JESUS BILL YOU JUST CALLED ME AGAIN!!!!!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!!

Now I know these must be busy times for both of you Bill and Robin. Tomorrow is the big Election day after all and I'm sure you and Jerry and the gang are busy out there scaring as many white people as you can find about those crazy loco immigrants, radical homosexuals and how Tim Kaine wants to kill their babies. It must be time consuming to get out that kind of fear-mongering and petty thinking to even one person so I suppose I can understand why you have to record the phone calls and have HAL 2000 auto-dial all the white folks. It's just a matter of not enough time to get done what you need to get done, right? I get it, I really do. Can John Denver go around singing "Leaving on a jet plane" personally to everyone that doesn't want to hear it?

Of course he can't!!!

He's dead!!!!

But even when he was alive he had to record records and go on the Muppet show and the like to put his soul crushing melodies into the ears of the innocents. Just like you, only instead of singing it's that reedy voice that sounds like gravel being sucked up through a vacuum cleaner on the phone..."this is candidate Bill....."

Back on the life and death angle....now I'm assuming that you're both alive although you could possibly be part of an army of undead demons from the 6th circle of hell. If so that would technically put you in the middle between life and death. A tricky wicket there with the pro-life every life is precious until we decide to execute you in the name of Jesus thing you have going on. Not saying that you are but if one or both of you do indeed happen to be servants of Satan and part of the legions that walk in the night can you clarify whether....

a) you can campaign during the day and not turn to dust.

b) does Chris Craddock's hair scare you like it does us mere mortals?

In closing I would like to tell you that I am a registered independent voter who leans Democrat but would definitely consider voting for a Republican if they impressed me the right way. So far you guys have impressed me as being mean-spirited, petty, annoying and without any sort of genuine idea other than to be assholes and hope that all the other assholes line up behind you. That's not really the impression that will get my vote. Who wants to hang out with assholes all day and not get paid for it? Not me!!

So you blew it with me anyway. Maybe next time Bill. If you want to talk about it you have my number.

Cheers.