Castor Oil...sickeningly good

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Scenes from the bar part whatever

I stopped by the bar up the street Monday night to pick up some health food, (cheesesteaks), and got the lowdown from the regular morons of what they thought of Vince, Tom Cruise’s character in “The Color of Money” which they were affixed to.

"Can you believe that punk? I'd never put up with that shit!!!! What kind of a fucking moron wears his name on a shirt like that" (This statement delivered by Jack. I knew it was Jack because the patch on his shirt said Jack.)

"Thet boy thar needs a right ass-whuppin"

“Fast Eddie should just leave thet boy and give the Balbushka to the girl!!!” Uproarious laughter…..

"I can't believe my wife lock me out of house again..fuck. She never like this when we lived in Korea. What fuck….hey Boob you good man, you buy me drink….wife take all my money……why she do that…..never that way in Korea"

This comment by a crazy looking Korean guy with a gray ponytail, cheap suit and red sneakers opens a whole new line of conversation by the idiots who haven’t seen a woman outside of a TV set, this bar, or a very crusty magazine since the 60’s about how to handle women. For some reason the yokels have given the drunk Korean guy the nickname “Shooter” which makes the whole thing even slightly more surreal and ridiculous than it would be if they called him by his real name, Lan. Shooter, or Lan, gave me his credit card one night when he was so drunk he walked behind the bar and seeing me on the other side just assumed I was the bartender and told me, “hurry man…..I think I’m getting too straight!!” (Uproarious laughter).

That’s how I learned he had a name other than Shooter. From the credit card. When he thought I was the bartender. Anyway….

Tom Cruise quickly forgotten as their favorite subject – WHAT THE FUCK I WOULD DO IF I WAS YOU – was now on the table. The conversation was flying pretty fast and pretty drunk so I could possibly be attributing dialogue to the wrong characters. Not that it matters really, they’re all pretty much the same broken husk of a man idiotic assholes at the core. Some of them just dress worse than others.

Boob – Shooter you gotta get that woman IN LINE!!!!
Shooter – I know Boob I know…but what fuck……what do I say…
Boob – SAY?!??! You don’t have to say shit Shooter, Is it your house?
Shooter – Well we buy together…
Boob – BOOSHIT…..If your name’s on the title she’s got no right to lock you out of your own house.
Shooter – I know Boob, that’s what I say!
Jack – I’d bust the fuck in right there
Shooter – Why I have to break into my own house?
Jack - Well you sure as shit ain’t sleeping at my house!!!!…..Uproarious laughter……..
Slim – Bitch locks me out my house I’m gonna go the fuck off and you can bet I won’t be locked out for long.
Joey – Not locked out….but locked the FUCK UP!!!!!
Slim – (looking murderous) Jail ain’t no damn thing to me no how…..jezz'n excuse to take some days off work!!! …..Uproarious laughter…….
Jack – Call the fucking PoLease…have them throw her in jail and then see how tough she is.
Shooter – Why jail? I don’t want her arrest..I just want back in house.
Joey – That’s the fucking problem with all this bullshit, woman locks you out and thar ain’t shit you can do that won’t get YOUR ass thrown in jail. All this shit about what the fuck you can say to your wife and shit….THAT’S MY BUSINESS BETWEEN ME AND HER!!!!!
Shooter – I just want go home, maybe she upset or angry or….
Boob – G. ZUS CHRIST SHOOTER!!!! You can’t go back there like a whipped puppy. You have to show her who’s boss!!!!
Shooter – I try Boob….I don’t understand…she never like this in Korea….(gets very emotional)
Slim – What the fuck…..
Boob – Aw for the love of Christ…Shane (bartender) get this man a shot of something on me.…

Bartender knowing that Boob is full of shit about paying for someone else’s drink ignores the call for the shot……

Shooter – You good man Boob.
Boob – WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE BROTHER!!!!!
Shooter – Thank you Boob
Boob – AW JEEZUS WE MISSED THE TITTY SCENE!!!!!

At that point my food was ready so I hit the road. I’m assuming Shooter drove home piss ass drunk and either slept on the lawn or his wife called the cops on him. From what I can discern she’s tweaked because he doesn’t work and instead of finding a job he sits at the bar with Boob and the gang all day watching Hunter on TVLand and soaking up redneck American culture. What a bitch!!!!!!

One day according to Alex the bartender (of all the days not to be there) she came storming into the bar and dragged Shooter out cussing out the idiots all the while. Not surprisingly they didn’t say a word back, just sat there looking down and drinking in their own eventual death and misery, inwardly wishing they had some crazy bitch of their own to yell at them.

It would be really sad if they all weren’t so goddamn loathsome. I could feel sorry for them but mostly I wish they would just drink bleach and die. Today is chicken wings special day so I maybe I’ll head up for lunch and see how Shooter is doing. Him I actually do feel sorry for. Poor Lan. He's like Axl Rose getting off the bus at the beginning of the "Welcome to the Jungle" video only instead of Izzy Stradlin trying to sell him drugs he stumbled into to Dante's 47th circle of idiocy and not knowing any better figured this was a good place to make some friends.
No matter how much time he spends there they'll never really like him, being that he's...y'know...not UmurriKan. But when you're that level of desperate even people you despise are better than no people at all.



3 Comments:

  • ...did you just move to Pinch District of Memphis? I swear your local hell hole has a part-time cousin near my place. Some nights of the week it seems just like your local...Reminds me of drinking in Hoodbridge and Springfield, VA. Kind of fun, kind of depressing, kind of dangerous :)

    By Blogger tideliar, at 12:25 PM  

  • "Cause you shore as shit ain't sleepin at my place!"

    Amen.

    By Blogger professor wes, at 2:17 PM  

  • I need to go to the 'pub more often....hmm..

    By Blogger Phil Rossi, at 4:18 PM  

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