Castor Oil...sickeningly good

Thursday, September 30, 2004

An interview with myself by myself

Today I sat down with the first person I saw this morning, Steve from the Pharmacy Prophets. In a fascinating and poignant conversation I learned things about myself that I would never have guessed. Sit down and take a look into the brain of the first person that I talk about when I talk about myself in the first person.

Castor Oil – So tell us what’s been going on? The Pharmacy Prophets have certainly been on the “down low”?

Steve – Well Steve you know how it is, sometimes the pressure to constantly push that envelope, it gets a little weighty and you need to chill out. Much like a beer can when overheated can get expanded my soul…my passion…my release got so warmed up that I was about to burst and foam, not physically but spiritually, foam all over my fans. As all my loving fans who I love know I would never compromise the blessings that I offer you with my music so I had to take some time to recharge myself. On top of that our bassist and drummer quit so that was another reason why we haven’t done much since April.

Castor Oil – Tell us about this pressure, what’s it like day to day?

Steve – Here’s an example – I go to Denny’s and it’s not like a regular guy going to Denny’s to have a Moons over my Hammy….I go and just know that people are freaked out that I’m there. Even though they never talk to me because my fans TOTALLY respect my privacy AT ALL TIMES EVERYWHERE I GO I know that they are expecting me to give them SOMETHING, something that they can believe in. That’s why I talk pretty loud so they can at least overhear my thoughts. I know they appreciate it.

Castor Oil – That’s some amazing insight.

Steve – Insight is what I’m all about. Insight, rocking, partying, getting laid and being spiritual.

Castor Oil – What does your wife think about that?

Steve – About going to Denny’s, well she’s always like “Let’s go somewhere that isn’t such a shithole” but I tell her I HAVE to give back to my fans and on top of that kids eat free on Tuesdays and I like to keep it real….REAL CHEAP!!!


Castor Oil – No, I meant about your values, specifically “getting laid”

Steve- Oh, I’m glad I asked me that. When I say I’m all about getting laid I don’t mean I’m physically having sex with all of the people that want to have sex with me, it’s more of a spiritual bond that we have, like ummm….. SOUL SEX!!! (laughter) So I get to have this amazing connection with the girls that want to do it with me but I don’t really have to, or get to, do anything. Again, my fans are so great that they never even really offer to have sex with me or again, even come up and talk to me, but we still have that connection anyway.

Castor Oil – Wow that’s really something.

Steve – Let’s just say that I love all people, just in different ways.

Castor Oil – So what about the people out there that don’t get it…the ones that say “Hey dude, you’re just some guy in a local band that plays bars and if you died tomorrow your legacy would be a box of unsold t-shirts and a WAMMIE nomination?”

Steve – OUCH!!! I didn’t even see you take off the gloves!!! (laughter) You know there will always be haters out there, just look at Tupac and what he went through. Now I’m not comparing myself to Tupac but I can absolutely relate to his struggle. I have never been physically shot but all true artists have taken spiritual bullets and spent time on their own artistic ventilators if you know what I mean. So yes, there are negative people out there but look at the facts by themselves and all together and you get a pretty clear picture my friend. We have a website, my name is known on numerous message boards, and I have hundreds of friends on mySpace...HUNDREDS! I mean the evidence is out there and I don’t know how any rational person could deny it.

Castor Oil – True. A lot of people ask about the name, the Pharmacy Prophets.

Steve – When I was trying to come up with a band name I wanted something that really made a lot of sense. We…well I…wanted to form a band that had something for everybody. What has something for everybody, what the fuck else…a Pharmacy!!! You need toothpaste, you need a Coke, you need some rubbers…one stop shopping! That’s what I think we are as a band, a band where you can slake a thirst, get some condos and clean up your stinky ass breath all in one song, in a pure and spiritual non-consumer musical sense of course. As for the Prophets part I have an uncanny ability to know what’s going to happen, I just get this feeling when something goes down like “I knew that was going to happen!” It’s totally weird but you know, you deal with the hand that you came to the gunfight with.

Castor Oil – So tell us about the new album

Steve – Oh man, it’s hard to describe. We really are going all out with this one. It’s sort of like a combination of Quadrophenia and the Sex Pistols but you know, it’s totally original like nothing else out there but people that love great bands will love it. I’m SO proud of the other guys in the band for recognizing the vision I put out there. I mean, it’s really awesome. Sometimes when I’m recording in the studio I will play something on guitar that sounds one way and take off to go hang with some fans and Wes our guitarist will stay and work on mixing all night. When I come back to the tracks the next day it’s incredible, I mean I know I recorded them but they sound TOTALLY different the next morning, like a ghost or something was guiding my hand because when I play stuff it doesn’t sound like that but the next day it does. Wes just shrugs and looks in the other direction when I try to explain it to him. It’s like he’s afraid to tell me something or something, honestly I think he’s afraid of ghosts.

Castor Oil – That sucks.

Steve – We all have our fears Steve, some people are scared of ghosts for others its spiders or cars backfiring.

Castor Oil – What are you scared of?

Steve – Not being amazing. And drowning, I’m not a particularly good swimmer. Thanks god we don’t have to play at swimming pools anymore!


Castor Oil – Alright I have to wrap this up and take your kid to school so one final question and I hope you can answer me 100% honestly/

Steve – Shoot.

Castor Oil – What does the world need more of?

Steve – Peace. Peace love and understanding like John Lennon said. And more bands that are willing to live and bleed for their art, to leave work early for a show if that’s what it takes. I think that the music I make for my fans shows how much I am willing to walk into a wall for them. This old rocker will keep rocking for all of them until the next generation comes along and takes the guitar gently from my hands and says “Thank you, thank you for your gifts, you can sleep now. We are in good hands.”

Castor Oil – I guess that about says it all.

Steve – I guess it does.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Know thy tormentor...for he is a real shithead and thus dangerous.



That felt fellatingly wonderful. I have a huge bruise from a can of Manwich that dropped on my foot.'s on the menu daily at the Hung Jury!

Monday, September 27, 2004

Shirtless fuckfaces on mySpace

It’s a fantastic thing all across mySpace land…the no shirt WOOT WOOT HOLLA dudes.

You all know them if you waste time there when you should be working Wads of buttwads all flexed out while sucking it in with a fine sheen of some sort of cooking oil rubbed all over them. It's the grimace that gets me, you can tell that they were just about to stroke out from the pressure of popping each of the packs in the six pack out to full pop potential but to maintain the HOLLA lifestyle they have to smile all the way through it. Impressive really, these oily men were made to be tortured.

The HOLLAheads are not without merit however. They seem to be quite full of love as evidenced by their sensitive comments on myspace girl’s pages. It’s a veritable army of da playaz wif heartz of gold. " MUCH LOVE SWEETIE, THANKS FO THE ADD, WOOT WOOT HOLLA!!!! can be used as a baseline for thousands of witty, sexy and loving comments for all the fine azz bitches on mySpace.

Now let me give a big disclaimer…if I woke up one day with abs of steel I would be totally psyched and lay down and roll quarters across them and bounce superballs off my gut and shit like that(that's what I imagine the DOODZ do when they ain't out being big luv playaz or working at Dairy Queen). It does seem that to get the bod you have to make a deal with Satan. From 1 parts thoughful investigation of myspace sites and 99 parts mean-spirited conjecture I am pretty sure the dealmaking with Satan goes a bit like this:

Bill – “Man, I just can’t get rid of these love handles. I have an IQ of 185, a good future and so much to give to the world. If only I had the well defined abs to go with my magnificent talents and burning ambition to make the world a better place.

Satan – “Word up Billiam, I can give you crunchy abs if you render to me nothing but your brain and your soul.”

Bill – “Hmmm……well……my folks worked hard to tach me what is REALLY important in life…"

Satan - "Your choice but the fine azz....."

Bill - "OK you sold me, I guess I can still do my good deeds and roll like a pimp with a stomach that looks like a pan of freshly cooked Pillsbury biscuits. Will this hurt?" POOF!!!

Satan – “There you go, thanks for the soul and brains you stupid asshole”


Satan – "Wow. Even I feel like a dick when I do that."


Being scared of Satan and not really fully understanding the playaz lingo I think I’ll keep my brain and soul and shit where they are and just try to get out and run and not act like such a walrusy fatass all the time if I want to be not flabby. I have to admit that the thought of woot wooting wif all da fyn azz bitches can be tempting at times. To roll wif my boyz, all of uz wif no shirtz on getting’ crunk and listenin’ to Fat Joe and Hoobastank….truly those would be special thuggy lovable questionably hetero good times.

Especially if we rolled in a lowered Honda Civic.

Woot woot!

Friday, September 24, 2004

Missed Manners

Jiminy fucking Christmas

Someone asked me if I wanted to go to one of those street party type festivals where they have local bands playing and fuckfaced sacks of meat in Tevas walking around bumping into people and I responded with –

“I would rather shove granulated glass into the end of my wang with a #2 pencil”

Now I feel simply rude because no matter the invitation that’s a terrible way to reply. Bad me.
I will do penance by drinking beer and watching TV all night. That will teach me a lesson.

My interview with Greg Dulli

Black Out the Windows, It's Party Time

A Conversation With Greg Dulli From the Twilight Singers - As Told By Steve Bowes of The Pharmacy Prophets

For many, like me, there is a perverse sort of thrill in being absolutely confident that you know music better than the knucklehead next to you at the stoplight. They say Metallica, you say Iron Maiden (the superiority of Maiden over the goat choke which has become Metallica is as much a fact as evolution and the moon in the sky...but I digress). They say Goo Goo Dolls you say Big Star. They say R. Kelly you say Marvin Gaye. You get the idea.So to all of you who might say, "I think that is the bee's knees as a singer", I present one Mister Greg Dulli.Dulli, a singer/songwriter/actor/author/bar owner/expatriate Ohioan, was fronting the Afghan Whigs on Sub Pop before Seattle became Seattle and cranking out some of the most intense, gut-wrenching and entrancingly beautiful rock of the day.

The Whigs, (Greg Dulli, Rick McCollum on guitar, D.C. native John Curley on bass, and a procession of drummers), released an impressive amount of material over a ten-year span starting with "Big Top Halloween" in 1988 and culminating with "1965," their last release for Columbia Records, in 1998. The Whigs hit their stride nationally with the release of their first major label release, "Congregation", in 1992, but it was the three subsequent albums, "Gentleman," "Black Love" and "1965" that made them a tour de force on the rock and roll map. Combining elements of soul, punk, country, a middle finger and a soft caress, the Whigs influenced and impressed many of the better bands out on the road today.

While they never achieved the over-the-top mainstream success of some of the Seattlites of the era, the Whigs nonetheless demolished live shows, created amazing records and left a legacy as one of America's truly great rock bands.Along the way Dulli has collaborated with an impressive cadre of musicians on various projects. In 1994 he played in the Backbeat Band, a super group of sorts from the alternative set that provided the soundtrack for the movie "Backbeat." "Backbeat" was a film about the Beatles' early days slagging away in the clubs of Hamburg, Germany. The band included Dulli on lead vocals, Don Fleming on guitar, Springfield's very own Dave Grohl (need I do more to identify him?), REM's Mike Mills on bass, Thurston Moore from Sonic Youth on guitar, and some vocals by Dave Pirner of Soul Asylum. The album is a raucous and informative look at the style of music that laid the foundation for the legend that the Beatles would become, and is definitely worth taking a listen to.

The Whigs amicably broke up in 2001 and Dulli started a new project called the Twilight Singers. He released their first album "Twilight as played by the Twilight Singers" a few years back, and an EP earlier this year, "Black is the Color of My True Love's Hair," that whet the appetite for the much anticipated new album, "Blackberry Belle."

I can't say enough about "Blackberry Belle" and how it achieves on so many levels. The naked honesty of the songwriting and the performances by the multitude of collaborators all coalesce into a stark, haunting, beautiful record that gets better with every listen. With the release of "Blackberry Belle" on Birdman Records (buy now I urge you), and an accompanying tour, Dulli is returning to his rightful place as the master of the stage and the voice that summons a thousand heartbreaks all together to share a drink.

I had the chance to spend some time talking with Greg on the eve of the tour. I went into it with a batch of questions and was as prepared and eager as a young Jimmy Olsen, but after a couple of minutes the script was set aside and we just started chatting. The following are excerpts from that conversation, and range from the evils of Peter Angelos to the overall beauty of music and how, despite your best intentions, sometimes you just have to admit to singing along with Dave Matthews. The conversation went in many different directions, (my interviewing skills are somewhat dim in comparison to my love for a good chat) so I have broken things down into sections with a brief contextual explanation for each.

*Dulli on where he was and what he was up to when I called, and on baseball in D.C.:
So far the tour is going great: I'm still on my couch in California. Right now I'm watching the Red Sox. The Sox can't seem to solve David Wells, although Manny belted one out earlier. I'm a big baseball fan; the Reds are my team. I've gotten to enjoy some World Series love from the Reds. In the 1990 World Series with Barry Larkin and Eric Davis and the Big Red Machine back in the ‘70s…one of the best teams I ever saw, one of the best teams anyone will ever see—that was before free agency. Washington will never get baseball back as long as crazy old Peter Angelos owns the Orioles. He has no pulse. He seems to be running on embalming fluid.

*Dulli on whether it was difficult to put together a touring band that can pull off songs from "Blackberry Belle," on which over 20 musicians perform:
No, because [when forming the band] I went for versatility and hangability over anything else. When I gave them the material I took the pressure off them by letting them know that we were going to be a five-man band that was going to cover this material. So [live] this stuff will sound like we want it to… it's like jazz. Trying to produce something down the nth [degree] is so boring. If you want to hear the album, listen to the album. You're going to hear live what OUR version of the album is. Even if you go see Radiohead these days, in all their infinite Pink Floyd analness, they will stretch and riff in the middle of their shows. It's like; you already did it that way once, why do it again? I'm not saying turn "Layla" into a busker song like Clapton did, but let it be what it's gonna be.*Dulli on who is the one person he would like to work with in the future: I'll tell you what…the person I would most want to work with, weirdly or not so weirdly, the one guy who comes to mind every time for me is Jimmy Page. I want that drum sound that he gets and he's a pretty good guitar player and a pretty good songwriter on the guitar… He would probably be a cool guy to hang with, I could catch up on my Alistar Crowley stuff and I could ask him how many…..EDITED BY REQUEST….. [raucous laughter]

*Dulli on working with Screaming Trees and sometimes Queens of the Stone Age singer Mark Lanegan:
Mark is the greatest, he's just one of my best friends. People who don't know Mark don't realize how funny he is. He's very dour looking and rarely smiles, but you get him alone and he's got the best jokes and the best cutting sarcastic remarks. We went out two nights ago and he just tore me up.

*Dulli on where he recorded "Blackberry Belle":
We recorded in L.A., New Orleans, and then half a week of overdubs in Memphis, Tennessee. The locale is devastatingly important for me. New Orleans and L.A….they have that fabric that you have to be blind not to find inspiration in.*Dulli on being haunted:I don't believe in ghosts. Show yourself…show yourself and run away??!? [Screw] you pussy…I ain't scared of you.

*Dulli on past visits to Washington, D.C. -
I don't have any not so fond moments… I'm a big history guy so I love to get in there… I love going to the Smithsonian. I always make a pilgrimage to the Lincoln Memorial because…Abe's my dog. Abraham Lincoln is probably my biggest hero.Historically the Whigs did very well in D.C. They'd give it up to us. In the car and driver metaphor that I like to use we always got a full tank of gas in D.C. John Curley went to Whitman High School on the Yankee side of the river.

*Dulli on his playing in the South:
I always, every time we play Atlanta since the beginning, and everybody's always ready for me to do it, I always ask them how they like General Sherman's redecoration job. Makes me the most popular guy in town.

*Dulli on hometown hero and Black Cat patron Dave Grohl:
Dave worked on some demos with me on [Afghan Whigs album] "Black Love." I played guitar on a song on that first Foo Fighters record; I was the only other guy in there. We did the Beatles thing together. I saw Dave last winter at the Queens of the Stone Age show at the Palladium.

*Dulli on Fugazi:
I like Fugazi, I saw them play four or five times. I like "Rites of Spring"…I tended to like Guy's voice a little better, it was a little more emotional, it had a little bit of shade to it. I have nothing but the highest respect for Ian McKaye. What he's done is ununbelievable. I was never really a hard core punk rocker though. I always liked black music too much to get that pissed off.

*Dulli on the pitfalls of conformity:
Non-conformity inevitably becomes conformity…you know you are a Catch-22 victim as soon as you start siding up with that stuff. That's like when my friends got into punk rock. They just completely denied that they ever had any kind of musical love pre-punk rock. I would ask them "what do you mean you don't like Earth Wind and Fire…we went and saw them together?" and they were like, "Aww no dude, no I didn't, I hate that shit." That's just silly….it's insular, it's intolerant, it's provincial, it's small minded. I'm not casting that on D.C., I'm casting that on any sort of clique that fosters that sort of idealism. You like what you like.

*Dulli on being honest with yourself:
God help me, I was driving one time from the airport to Cincinnati in my rent-a-car and I was listening to this song, I'm totally digging it and tapping my foot and kind of like singing along to the end of it and at the end of the song the DJ says, "and that was the Dave Matthews band," and I was like "NOOOOO!!!!!!" [laughing] It was like, "I hate that!", but my brain was like "no you don't, you were tapping your foot to it." Thank God there was nobody else in the car with me. I didn't go out and buy that album or anything but for three minutes that dude turned me on. That hip-hoppy Jewel song that's out now, I like it, I can't stand that I do but I do.

*Dulli on "Appetite for Destruction":
I love "Appetite," I can't stand "Paradise City" and I can't stand "Sweet Child O' Mine," I love all their other songs. Those two songs get on my motherf'n nerves. I never liked them. Tell me how "Paradise City" became huge? That song is just bad from jump street. I love "Nightrain" and "It's So Easy" and "Mr. Brownstone." I love "Welcome to the Jungle" still. More "My Michelle" and less "Paradise City."

*Dulli on what is spinning on the jukebox at the Shortstop (the bar he owns in L.A.) and his favorite record of the year:
We got Coltrane, Atmosphere, Pasty Cline…it's all over the map. There's some jazz, there's some country, some punk rock. "We Sold our Souls" by Black Sabbath, "Ride the Lightning" by Metallica is on there. The new Outkast, it's all over the place. I have to get in there and tweak it because a couple of my favorite records lately aren't in there right now. There is one record that is out, well more than one, but the one I'm obsessing on right now is this lady named Martina Topley-Bird. She was the singer on "Maxinquaye," that first Tricky record. She has a solo record out that is my favorite record of the year; it's blowing my mind. I love it, I listen to it every day. It's awesome, it's so's one of those eclectic records which works. Being eclectic is cool but you have to have some cohesion to it. You know, like [the Beatles'] "Revolver"— "Revolver" is all over the place but it still all comes together.

*Dulli on his love for the Beatles and playing in the Backbeat Band:
We played in Liverpool with the Whigs….it was great. The first time I went to Liverpool I was like…[ sighs] "Ok, here it is." Same thing the first time I went to Hamburg. It's funny, I even talked to Dave [Grohl] about that when we did that Beatles thing (the "Backbeat" band) I'm like, "I gotta tell you dude, you should try not to play so well because Pete Best sucked as a drummer. You need to start sucking a little bit…maybe it will sound a little better." But it was hard for him to do….he's Dave Grohl.
*Dulli needs more of:

*Dulli needs less of:
Bitches be gettin' up in my shit.

*Dulli on how the world can be a better place, the state of our world, Arnold Schwarzenegger and things in general:
I think everybody needs to stop talking so f'ing much. I think people talk too much and I don't think they do enough. I think it's just bitch, bitch, bitch and complain. I don't think people lift up their brothers enough and their sisters enough. I don't want to get all hippie on you but you know the more we let things go on in Africa whether it's Rwanda, Somalia, Liberia, any of those places that don't have any natural resources that we can scam…we pretty much, by turning our backs, are enabling genocide and borderline new holocausts. What happened in Rwanda made me sick. A friend of mine is actually doing a movie for HBO about the Tutsi-Hutu massacre action in Rwanda. If you read a book called We Regret to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families, as a human being you will be ashamed. It's so powerful, talking about this stuff…I work with a couple groups, donating money, passing the word. I do what I can. We need to get pro-active.I live in a state with the Governator [Arnold Schwarzenegger]. I'll tell you what; it's revolution time! They just cheat, it's just cheating. You think that Arnold Schwarzenegger shit wasn't fixed? Now it's fixing…anybody who says that boxing is the last bastion of dirty tricks is crazy; it's politics.

*Dulli on not always making it the first time around:
I moved to L.A. in 1984 to be a movie star, I went to film school in Cincinnati. I came back… I drove a cab, I roofed houses, I did whatever it takes to put food in my belly and a roof over my head. Ain't too proud to beg, as they say.

*Dulli on this interview:
That was fun, I think we did good.

visit the band's website:

Steve Bowes is the lead singer and guitarist of the Pharmacy Prophets.

And one more thing

My ass hurts. How odd is that?

Calendar Girl

getting drunk....talked about a lot but does it really happen all that often? A two week breakdown -

08/24 - Work in Atlanta. Dinner at Foge de Chao, drinking until 3:00 a.m.
08/25 - Still in Atlanta. Hotel bar until 1:00 a.m.
08/26 - Back from Atlanta, stay home and belch quite a bit.
08/27 - Drunk with Billy across the street until I don't know when.
08/28 - Dremo's in the heat and filth and pestilence. Phil lost his brain and had me punch him repeatedly, each time he said he loved me more and more. Massive quantities of beer helped it all make sense. 2:00 a.m.
08/29 - Stayed home. Nothing of import.
08/30 - Work in Augusta. If you have ever been there you would know why I drink there. 1:00 a.m.
08/31 - Augusta. Dinner at the boss', then bar prowling till 2:00 a.m.
09/01 - Augusta. Drunk and lost in the rain. 2:30 a.m.
09/02 - Home to detox and practice sans alcohol. Very strange.
09/03 - Stayed home, drank wine with the Redskins. 1:00 a.m
09/04 - Stayed home, painted all day and fell asleep with a latex paint headache
09/05 - 09/04 redux
09/06 - Friends over. Drank 9 beers. Watched CSI and burped until 2:00 a.m.

So there you have it. I had to go buy running shoes because I'm getting fat as a house. I figure just buying the shoes should be good for about six pounds off the gut, no? The funny thing is that I always have a good time on the sauce and a good time off it. Generally I have a good time so there seems to be no misery driving the boozing, just opportunity.

Thank god for the United States; the Land of Opportunity!!

Fratmosphere - Don't worry about it!!!

After practice last night me and Phillip and Benjamin went by the bar where our friend Dave works to have some cocktails and talk about how truly magnificent band practice was and, (obviously), how anyone with a shred of musical taste should love us and want to have hot monkey sex with us as a collective.

<<<>>> - Despite the hordes and throngs of masses wanting to de-pants us at odd times (as befits rock superstars) like when we're in line at Subway we can't reciprocate because we're all otherwise occupied with ladies who don't subscribe to the "free love" paradigm. However we do thank you for your interest. Much love big props and MWAH all over you. <<<< END CAVEAT>>>>

Being properly wristbanded (Thanks Dave!) we steadfastly faithful and hetero men got some drinks (Thanks ultra-cute bartender girl!) and went to sit outside. Twas a lovely evening to enjoy the twilight it surely was. As we were sitting and being brilliant a small but exuberant crowd of young jaspers started to wander in. It was obvious they were affiliated with the TKE fraternity at George Mason because there were all sorts of TKE GMU paraphernalia clad youngsters milling around. Lots of goatees and Abercrombie and Dick baseball caps for the lads and chiquitas in short skirts who really should have worn pants and taken advantage of the low-carb offerings at Burger King but who am I to play Mr. Blackswell to a group of slutty sorority girls from Fairfax? I dutifully tried to mind my own business and work on the guaranteed roadmap to rock super stardom that we had started to formulate out of ashtrays and condiments on the table.

We kept getting interrupted by yelling. Now, I yell…really, who doesn’t. But when I yell I try to come up with something more witty than –


Coming from a lily-white 19 year old skinny shithead from the patio of a bar in Fairfax it didn’t really resonate as well as I would imagine it would from say, 50-Cent yelling it out of the moonroof of a limo in D-Town (Detroit). Other notables –


and the omnipresent”AWWW SHIT, SHIT’S ON NOW!!!!!”

All of this has led me to believe that the TKE fraternity is made up of a bunch of really loud, really confused and seriously gay white kids that really like the Source magazine and each other’s abdominal muscles. I could be wrong, maybe they like Vibe instead.

So we keep getting bumped into by these denim behatted and bust loose skirted folks and it becomes completely apparent that kids these days just can’t binge drink like they used to. There is an art to it, a panache to being fantastically obliterated that the youth of the nation just don’t have a handle on. I mean, some dope walked up to the table and just grabbed Phillip’s cigarettes, nothing on the sly just an upfront grab. I told him to knock it the fuck off and he just sheepishly put them back. What the fuck is that? Stealing smokes at a bar requires stealth, aplomb, diversion….these kids have none of those skills. Didn’t their parents have parties when they were kids where REALLY drunk military officers and their wives would set an example of how to perform when comatose drunk by medical definition?

So a bit later the smoke-thief comes up to Phillip and slurs “You’re no fun”. He stands there staring at us, we sorta start chuckling at him and one of his buddies crosses arms and says “don’t worry about it.” Worry about what?? That some thinly veiled gay meathead ab cruncher guy in Marshall’s euro-trash fashion thinks I’m no fun? I’m tons of fun. Ask anybody!!! If I’m going to worry about something it’s going to be like prostate cancer or how Dennis Farina will fit in on Law and Order, you know…important shit.

We packed it up a bit later, I was parked in front so headed back towards friend Dave to say so long and hit the road. As I was walking through the semi-barren club to the tunes of Jay-Z thumping I got a bit sad. What’s going to happen to the next generation of rock and roll? Not just the music but the whole atmosphere of people just having fun and being cool with who and what they are? Everything about last night was so posed. If the hammerheads in there were half as hardcore as they pretended to be we could ship TKE out to Iraq over Spring Break and have the insurgents tending bar at a Girls Gone Wild party by Thursday.

I said goodbye to Dave with a melancholy nod, he knew….lord he knew for he sees it all the time. Poor Dave, forced to sit by and watch as our future flexes and Usher songs their way to mediocrity. Truly he is a martyr and I hope he has fun with his 72 virgins in the next life.

But as I am all about solutions and not problems (can’t you tell??) I offer this up to you well rounded and excellent party people. I propose we all mentor a young person on how to party and not be a fucking asshole about it and I pledge to be the first into service.


As soon as I’m OK to drive.