No really....fuck me.

So today life was going along swimmingly. At 2:17 I decided to take a quick shower before hopping on a 2:30 work call with plans to finish that up and then spend the finest part of the day hanging out with the kiddies and the dog and enjoying the sunshine.

I headed up to the Hef suite, (my room), and disrobed and there I was happy and naked and ready to bathe my huge muscles and glisten and smell totally delicious. The only thing left to do pre-soak was hit the flusher on the toilet, (yes I peed before showering as I am not a barbarian like some of you who yellow the shower stall...you know who you are) and wash that funk right out of my angelic locks.

Flush......whirl whirl whirl. Hmmm....Oh water God Poseidon why is the water not going away? Worse...why is it coming back towards me? Uh-oh. It appears he has unleashed the Krakken!!!

I figued I better get some plumbing supplies pronto!, (not to mention a metal owl to guide me if I could find it amongst the tools and suitcases). Now as it's a super nice day outside every door and window in the house was open wide which is great in theory but when you're au nauturel and in dire need of getting to the other end of the mansion on the hill to procure a plunger and a mop...not so good. Well, I mean, not so good for me and my sense of modesty but 100% wonderful for any random passersby who would catch a glimpse of me streaking by and think "My gosh, who knew the Sun God Apollo lived in this neighborhood?!?" Anway.........you get the beautiful if massively panicked picture.

So with no other recourse for coverage as all of the towels had been tossed to the floor to mop up the flood and I didn't have time to pick out a wardrobe I went flying down the stairs as is and procured the plunger and the mop. A-OK. On the way back up to the bathroom however I caught the mop handle on a stair causing it to jam into my armpit and spin me around, naked, into the wall which I bounced off of handily and fell flat on my face in the stairwell. That...really...really....hurt.

Cursing and in pain I stumbled up the stairs and through the living room where of course some crusty old bitch walking her dog caught me full agander as she was peering at the open door. You can have that one for free Granny but the next peek will cost you plenty.

It was now 2:19. Frenzied I stabbed at the pool of water and cursed my ineffectual mop to the lower quadrants of Hell. After realizing that I was dealing with a massively ineffective not so quicker picker upper I ran down to the linen closet for more towels. Sheets, blankets, bibs all of those were readily available but a couple of towels? No way. This was also not a great time to recall the Mrs. telling me every day for the last week that we were out of paper towels and could I keep my promise to get some. Not a great time but the memory of the request from my sweetest was boring into my brain like that slug did to Mr. Chekhov in the Wrath of Kahn. I had to make do with what I had and it looks like whoever sleeps over next will get some spanking new sheets on the guest room bed. Sigh........

Eventually I got the water under control and bundled up all the soaking shirts and tea-towels and socks and sheets and whatever else I could use and brought it all to the basement for a thorough warshin'. Passing the kitchen I saw the dog having a nice refreshing drink off the tile floor and thought, "Look at that cute dog having a nice refreshing drink on the tile floor she's so sweet and WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING DRINKING OFF THE FLOOR WHEN THERE IS NO WATER CONSTRAINT DEVICE LIKE A BOWL ANYWHERE NEAR HER!?!?!??!" It seems gravity has decided to fuck me along with Poseidon and cause the flood to migrate through the bathroom floor to my kitchen cabinets and down through to the floor. So now I have toilet water soaked Uncle Ben's to go through and toss along with the dismantling of cabinetry, Cascading every kitchen utensil we own, washing the soaking wet sopper supplies, scrubbing everything to surgical sterility and hoping the dog didn't really drink any pee. All of this occurred between 2:17 and 2:32.

I got on the work call at 2:33 as no matter how flustered I was I had to take care of the business of taking care of business and the first thing anybody says is............. "Sorry I'm late, had to take a bathroom break!"

If you only knew.

I know Cheney is behind this somehow. Damn you Cheney and your foul allegiance to Posiedon and the God of Gravity!!!!!! You will not deter me from my right to happiness and fresh armpits!! I will overcome!

Right after I finish cleaning.