Sheesh!

I've been busier than a freelance proctologist at an NRA convention (think about it, it's a joke that needs to marinate) with trips to 'Bama, Florida, Hershey PA and tomorrow leaving for Chicago. Lots of anecdotes with little time to tap them out. Hopefully post Caponeland I'll have some time to recount.

I can tell them to you in person next Saturday at Iota, (that's the 8th).

Dig it.

the Pharmacy Prophets at Iota
w/ the Speaks and Koshari

Whole life I'm ah gonna live it up!!!!!

See you soon.

A smorgasborg of choices!

Sampling of the links available on CNN at the moment -

MORE NEWS
• Tour bus plummets into canyon, kills 12 Americans | Gallery
• Coalition rescues peace workers in Iraq | WATCH
• Fears mount for missing Milwaukee boys
• Bouncer charged in student's death | WATCH
• Report: Aruba has new lead in Natalee Holloway case | Gallery
• Woman missing since 14 was with school guard
• 360° Blog: This 'folk hero' sheriff could face charges
• Behind the Scenes: Meet Jesse Sullivan, real life bionic man
• Watch: It's jewelry, it's a pet, it's alive!
• Watch: Charlie Sheen shares his 9/11 theory
• CNN TV: Former President Bill Clinton, 7 p.m. ET

I don't know about you but for me it's all about meeting a real life Steve Austin or hearing Wild Thing get to the bottom of the WTC attacks. Oh, and it's always fun to watch Clinton be happily full of shit and himself on TV. I love that guy. I really have no urge to go look at a gallery of dead folks from a cruise ship, that's only a tad less appetizing than looking at pictures of living people from a cruise ship.

I'm not sure what's so special about "it's jewelry, it's a pet, it's alive!". I have my dog pinned to my chest as a brooch right now, big deal. Once you get used to the squirming she's an accessory with both sass AND class!!

Sadly at this point I have to say that I wish Natalee Holloway was alive so she could go back to her white-bread Alabama hoochie mama at night church in the morning life she had laid out for her an dI never had to see another picture of her slap-happy face. It sickens me that because of the media coverage about her case I have come to dislike her and her mother personally but it is so and so must it ever be.

Sad world. I'm going to ease my pain with a bowl of Apple Jacks.

the story speaks for itself

Really, what is there to add that the facts don't already do justice to? From the New York Daily News:

Prince had Utah Jazz forward Carlos Boozer seeing purple after he gave the NBA star's Los Angeles mansion an extremely tacky makeover. The pint-size pop star painted purple stripes on Boozer's house and adorned the exterior with the Prince "symbol" and the numbers "3121," which happens to be the name of his new album, court papers state. Inside, Prince installed purple monogrammed carpets in the master bedroom and black ones in a downstairs guest room, removed baseboards - and even cut a hole into a wall. Using "unlicensed carpenters and contractors," Prince also rerouted plumbing to a "downstairs bedroom for water transfer for beauty salon chairs," the papers state. -- New York Daily News

Parenthood

I love being a parent, for real. Being able to have a real growing interaction with my older daughter as she gets up there towards teenagerdom and watching my younger daughter develop and learn to talk and act like a lunatic is awesome. It's simply great, the greatest, and greater than anything else that I do. I love my kids more than life itself and will kill anyone or anything that threatens their wellbeing.

That being said......

This article here at the linky linky from the Washington Post gave me the fucking creeps. It's not that it's new to me, I see these goddamn freaks all the time. They're insane with the level of perverse attachment they have to the pieces of veal they're raising. It's like Stepford only the kids are stuck with the robots instead of the husbands. All the time I get the glares from them when out and about with my wee ones, glassy eyed stares of hatred from fat little eyes pushed back in fat little faces from parents who think if you don't look like the cast of Roseanne and have the interests that dovetail perfectly with the Sunday flyer for Wal-Mart you must not really love your children.

If you think that by reading between the lines I'm saying that I don't care what my kids do or how they behave you couldn't be further from the truth. It's not people like me that have insane little shitheads running through TGI Friday's like the gang after Piggy in Lord of the Flies, no way. Those types of little freaks belong to bigger freaks who think little Johnny Precious can do no wrong in any way shape or form and he's so damn special that no one really minds that he just knocked over their dinner. This whole super-parent attitude leads to a total lack of meaningful parenting. I'm sure it will be a shock to the uber-rents when their kids graduate go away to college and put Moms and Dads at about #48 on their priority list behind letting an auto mechanic do body shots off of them at happy hour and having lots of unprotected sex but hey, that's nature at work. If you're not ready for it I'm sure it's a bitch but by getting ready for it in the first place you just might avoid it or at least the worst parts of it. Y'see if you let your kids live a life of their own within the boundaries of what you deem to be acceptable so they can figure out who they are and just be that way they probably won't feel the need to prove their individuality to you later on with tattoos on the asscrack, STD's and calls from a jail in Cancun. You don't want to be one of these parents that ends up living like that do you? No, I didn't think so. Nor do you want to let anyone you love become one because you'll be stuck talking to them on the phone all the time when things go to shit and that's a fate worse than death!!

Here are some warning signs that someone you think is an otherwise rational human being, (it could be you!) is going to be a maniacal Stalin like parent. Take preemptive action if you can, if you can't move and change your name, (unless it's you that you see in here, in that case just tighten up and don't make me hate you.)

1 - Before getting pregnant they say "we're trying to get pregnant". Women get pregnant, men assist in the process by working for about 90 seconds, grunting and then passing out. "We" CANNOT get pregnant. She can. Post-coitus dude is pretty much along for the ride and abuse until it's time to head to the hospital at zero hour. This whole "WE" concept of all things equal in a parenting relationship is dumb, especially at the very beginning squishy icky part. It's not equal either in effort or responsibility towards the baby before the baby is born, I'm sorry. If it was supposed to be we'd all be like earthworms and be able to fuck ourselves to procreate.

2 - While pregnant the happy couple has a lockstep plan for exactly how they're going to raise the kid and are more than happy to tell you (presuming you already have a kid) how great they're going to be at it, (the insinuation being that they'll be much better at child rearing than your dumb ass is). These people are short-sighted idiots and I almost laugh when I see them a year or so later with their wretched bratty children covered with snot and puke and the whole family looking like the homeless guy from "In Living Color" I said almost. While truly funny my deep sense of disdain perversely mixed with satisfaction overrides the humor switch and instead of laughing I smirk contentedly at this type of situation.

3 - When having had the baby the implication given to the world is that taking care of the infant is the most monumental task ever pursued by mankind and everyone should be VERY careful how to approach this incredibly blessed yet burdened couple. A note to those of you without babies; they're really not that hard. They sleep a lot, they're cute, they crap a couple times a day and then they sleep some more. People that can't handle that kind of burden are probably as equally inept at handling much of anything including the future notion that their kids will give more of a shit about their scooter than their parents and are probably of average intelligence and ability at the very best.

4 - After having a baby the parents morph into weird pudgy sexless beings wholly without form or physical definition and every sentence they utter from their fat fucking mouths is about their kid or how tired they are. These people have stopped living as individuals and have given into the idea that their purpose in life is to entertain the every whim of someone who takes off their diaper and rubs poo on the walls when given the opportunity and would be more than happy to chug a liter of Dran-O if left unattended. People like these are, again, idiots and it would be great if you could just avoid them but they pretty much run the schools where your (hopefully) normalized kid is trying to get an education so you have to get ready to engage and run interference for your tykes.

So watch yourself if you're going to have kids. Have them, love them, enjoy them revel in them but for the love of Christ don't be defined by them. They eat dog food, why would you let them be the boss? It's your job to teach them how to survive and most importantly survive without you. Just get your shit together and leave them alone a little bit so they can figure this life thing out. They'll love you for it later and with a bit of freedom now maybe when they finally leave the nest they won't be so fascinated by Al the tow truck driver who thinks stripping is a HAWT job for his old lady.

At least they'll have a chance.

Logic

According to my new email friend if I "have any balls" I will skip my own show on the 8th to attend a "real fucking rock show" going on that night.

COUNT ME IN!!!!!!!!

I'll keep you posted via posting.

Whither thou Castor?

I just can't get motivated to write much for the blog these days. It's nice of all y'all to send me emails asking for updates and I think about stuff to write all the time but the usual waterfalls of inspiration just aren't flowing.

Like politics........

What else is there to say? I mean things are so bizarrely fucked up with more fucked upness coming out everyday that it's impossible to find something to focus on without it just being a rehash. On top of all the other illegal and immoral bullshit perped by the folks at 1600 Penn now they're involved in refund fraud at Wal-Mart? C'mon?!?!??! That is comedy gold. I barely touched on Cheney shooting some dude in the face. I can't even believe it myself. We have a civil war, the ports fiasco, wiretapping, SHOOTING PEOPLE IN THE FUCKING FACE and yet I can't think of a damn funny thing to write that I haven't written before. Sob.

Musicians are idiots, that's well documented. Lately I keep getting anonymous emails written in the same dunderheaded voice from different email accounts daring me to stir shit up with some local band over some dumbass thing or another. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. I'm being called out and deserve an ass whoopin'! Whee. It's not that I'm not up to the challenge but railing on born fools with delusions of grandeur just isn't greasing the gears these days. In a world full of Thatguy's and Voodoo Blues I find no motivation to razzle and dazzle. Sad.

I ate an entire box of Lucky Charms over the course of two days. Now that felt like an accomplishment.

OK back to the musician thing, just one point. In one of the emails to me that was rampaging on about the last On Tap columnito I was told that "EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT." I love that. I love the fact that some boner thinks that everyone in the universe is aware of some local band and the ins and outs of their everyday doings. If you went to a mall and asked every single person there, "What is your opinion on the state of things that have occurred recently with local Band X?" my guess is you would get 98% blank stares, 1% punches to the scrotum .9% people dialing security and .1% equal to one sullen dope at Hot Topic replying with, "I heard those doodez rock."

Everybody.

Give me a break.

In other news my fish have weathered the winter out in the backyard pond and are happily un-fishsicled and swimming about enjoying the warmer climes. What's that? Not EVERYBODY knows that I have a pond with goldfish in it nor do they care?

OMIGOD YOU BASTARD I'LL TOTALLY KICK YOUR ASS FOR THAT DISRESPECT!!!!!

Gad.

I'll try to hit the local yokel shithead bar this week and dig up some inspirational nuggets from Boob and the gang. It's the least (truly) that I can do for the folks that stop by here on a daily basis.

Finally I'm totally sure that you have heard this from all the major media outlets already but just in case you have been trapped in a tiger cage recently the Prophets are playing at Iota on April 8th as part of the Six Points Music Festival. It will be sassy and magically delicious.

For those of you who asked

Update numero dos -

After another brief discussion Philito and I agreed that this post goes nowhere without an image of some sort. He was kind enough to send over a baby picture I could use.

Cute tyke, no?

Why is all of this shit underlined? I kinnah seem to fix it. Weird.

Update - After letting the caffeine absorb into the cranial mass and a brief chat with Philito I took the picture down because of all the goddamn perverts and whackos out there in Internet land. May you rot in hell.
I am still accepting testimony to my greatness though.

You may fire when ready.

"Definitive proof that the lovely kids are not figments of my brilliant imagination. You may now commence to tell me how cute they are. Proceed."

The latest On Tap column, show stuff, general gloriousness

This month's On Tap column is available for you loving.

We have a cool show coming up on the 8th of April at our home away from home, the lovely and delicious Iota Club. The show is part of D.C.'s Six Points Music Festival, 40 bands playing shows all over and around D.C. for the weekend of April 6-8. Find something you like, get out, be seen, you know the drill.

Unbelievably ThatGuy was not invited to perform.

We're playing with the Speaks which is always a good time. Ali Baba is coming to town so madness will commence I'm sure.

Have a good weekend.