Watch out for Zebra Man

From El Presidente's speech last night:

"We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger, or playing on anyone's fears, or exploiting the issue of immigration for political gain."

Damn! That is so shameless that I bet it made Charlie Sheen feel all oogy inside, (a thought more terrifying than any human animal hybird could ever be!)

How can a guy who has made a career aout of scaring dumbasses to death about nothing to feed his political coffers put on semi-sad (head tilted slightly downward but eyes, full of concern, lifted up and a voice that….pauses…..for effect……when………touching……on…..a…part……..that…….has…….highlighter…on…it….) Bush face and say that shit and not instantly get torched into flames by his tin can telephone buddy Jesus Christ?

I mean c'mon, remember the great threats of the day that only he could protect us against? The aforementioned human animals, (maybe they're in Gitmo or have been squired back to the Island of Dr. Moreau by Air America), and the Godless pillagers of our friends in the land of Embyonic Stem Cell People? And please never forget the scourge that the GAYS could have laid down had they been allowed to deflower the holy sanctity of marriage between one man and one woman. I mean we can't have some sissies degrading the consecrated spiritual bond of marriage that can be locked up for $29.95 (with photo) at a drive thru window in Vegas, can we? Heavens to Betsy!!!

Sure those are completely fucking stupid things to be concerned about when we happen to mired in an increasingly unwinnable war of sorts, have a broked down and back up again education system, our healthcare system is pathetic, our infant mortality rate is off the charts, we're a nation of obese sloths that get increasingly fatter and stupider by the hour and most of the world hates our guts. But thank God Almighty the guys in charge are protecting us from mutants and homosexuals! Maybe they can roll out the color coded terror threat charts that have so conveniently disappeared since Georgie got re-elected to keep us up to date on when Zebra Man has been spotted in Tonganoxie, Kansas. At least then we can think of something other than the four bucks a gallon we just had to pay for gas.

You think I'm exaggerating? Watch what happens starting in early September as we get nearer to the mid-term elections. You watch as the threat of the gays and abortion and all of that pandering fear-mongering shit comes back up. We'll be code red and get your duct tape ready with a new Bin Laden tape and great news in the war on terruh but watch out for the Iranian mushroom cloud and the fact that the two guys in the Miata not only want to get married but they want to adopt good Christian babies and raise them in a house of Sodom and for all that is Holy don't forget that we have Zebra Man in our midst!!!! It's going to happen. By Halloween we'll be under so many threats we'll need an extra hour in the morning to get our gasmasks and holy water in order.

And the Democrats who should just stand up and say, "do we have to get collectively punked as a nation again and if so can we at least get that darling Ashton Kutcher to do it?" will flounder around and say half of what BushCo says and act like imbeciles and the whole thing will start all over. It's pathetic. They could get the message across if they either talk really slow or realy really fast through a bullhorn like that jacked up freak on Extreme Home Makeover who makes me cry with his selfless devotion to others and the glorification of Sear's where all of your appliance dreams can come true. But they won't. They can't. They're so beaten down at this point that they remind me of Charlie Brown and BushCo is that bitch Lucy who keeps pulling the football away every time.

That whore.

I mean Bush, not Lucy. She's just a kid I shouldn't pick on her. Unless she's half Zebra.

Post deleted because some of you just can't fight fair.

Sissies.

A fog in the brain

Hey you……..two barstools down……leering out of the corner of your cloudy eye….

Some people have what is known as a magnetic personality. Whether I have one in the classic sense is up for debate but it’s indisputable that I have a predilection for attracting the attention of the most misanthropic and maniacal yahoos that frequent whatever bar I happen to be in. It seemingly knows no boundaries or datelines this attraction of mine as I have been accosted with congenial insanity from asylum escapees in joints from Central America to South Central Los Angeles. It usually goes like this……….

I’m sitting at a bar happily minding my own business when the heebie jeebies start sending a shiver up my spine. When I’m in this state I’ll casually turn my (beautiful) head to and fro and do some recon on my surroundings. It never takes long to lock in on my inevitable companion. Crazy eyed at the bar with a purpose that if put towards humanitarian purpose could knock out global warming and the scourge of Mister Spock haircut sporting Emo bands in about fifteen minutes. As it is their energy is focused towards invading my space and scaring the holy crap out of me. Maybe it’s inherent to people that have been bartenders. Go to Little Italy in Springfield and ask Alex, (bartender extraordinaire), I’m sure he has stories that will curl your curliest of hairs.

Y’see across all racial, cultural and gender boundaries there is a look that is commonplace to the mildly insane and lonely. Part manic, part desperate, part despondent but all wholly motivated the leer gives them away every time. “I’m looking to talk and that feller down yonder has just the ear that I’m looking for.” I used to go into a shrug and tuck trying to insulate myself from the madness sure to come but as I have gotten more accepting to universal law I now just meet it head on. Who am I to change the inevitable? I’m awesome and all but some things are beyond the capacity of man to effect. So I shudder, I order another, and get ready for the onslaught to come.

They come at me with an innocuous opening of “I really want to kill something today” or “Damn you have nice hair, (at least with that one I know they have SOME grasp of reality), or, ““This is some crazy shit” which is when I know I’m really in deep. From there things quickly escalate as the commander of Starship Crazyass works to find our common ground. I never really have anything in common with them but that’s beyond the point. It’s not at all about my acceptance or agreement with their bullshit, rather it’s all about their Herculean focus on what’s on their addled and scary minds and I have been pegged as the conduit for their babbling. I’m powerless to blow them off so I take it all in and how many ever hours later and walk away simply saying, “Damn.”

But in a way I love them all because they provide me with the fodder for the songs and the jibber jabber that I write about. Sure it’s painful to have a guy with no teeth rub your back and talk about how Rage Against the Machine could have used a horn section but like getting a vasectomy the long-term benefit outweighs the momentary discomfort, (from what I hear). Did you know that feral hogs are a greater threat to our well being than nuclear warfare? No? That the singer of AC/DC was second cousins with Jimmy Swaggart and they’re both Nazis? Bank it. The lunatics know all the shit that most of us are too afraid to even consider and I guess it’s up to me to spread the word. So here I am. I’m still waiting for one of them to pick up the tab though I mean does being crazy have to preclude you from being polite?

My band is playing at the Black Cat on May 22^nd. Come out and be insane, you’ll have plenty of company.

Woo Woo Woo

Been pretty crazy lately, I was in Georgia most of last week and came home to have some minor but fantastically uncomfortable surgery on Friday. I'm rolling on the Vicodin right now and feeling pretty decent.

That being said...........

I'm not going to make visiting a little Indian guy and having him go after my body parts with a scalpel a Cinco de Mayo tradition.

Vicodin on the other hand, I can see that making it on to the calendar as an annual event.

Whee! I have a post in the works about the gubberment that I will get up in the next day or two. I thought it was ready to go until I saw Nancy Pelosi yammering away on Meet the Press today and my ire warrants some editing.

But for now I'm going to hit my pill bottle and dial up "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Zenda" or whatever it is for some mind blowage. I watched Anchorman under the influence yesterday and thought I was going to blow my stitches out.

"THE MAN...I HIT HIM WITH A BURRITO....HE PUNTED BAXTER...THE MAN....BLAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHH...."

Good shit.

Take me to Pleasuretown.