The Don'ts

Don't do this.......

There’s a lot of chatter going on at ye olde Arlington Music Scene about getting people to shows, how you do it and then get them to come back and the like, (the obvious answer being “don’t suck monkey ass” hasn’t quite gotten the attention it deserves).

I don’t think the problem lies so much in getting people out to shows to give the band a chance as it does to get them to want to come back and bring friends or to an even lesser degree not light the band on fire and drive it off a cliff into scenic Lake Kerosene. It seems that so many bands are almost suicidal in the way they do things, like they want to fail so they can continue being the desperate, miserable, blame deflecting handjobs that comprise the bulk of local musicians around the world. Musicians love to complain and talk shit about each other and nothing fuels that fire like playing a succession of shitty gigs until the collective explodes into a beautiful pinwheel of sparks in the expansive sky of failure.

So being that I am a helpful sort that has been around these parts for some number of years playing the gigs good and bad I offer these things not to do both onstage and off, these dont’s as you will, with no context or explanation. Just listen to me for your betterment and obey me like Joan of Arc to Jesus and you’ll be fine. We both know that I’m smarter than you are.

Here we go:

Don’t start loading out your gear out across the front of the stage when the band after you is trying to play their set....for some weird reason that makes people want to stab your band in the face with a school bus.

Don’t take your shirt off onstage unless you’re Iggy Pop.

Don’t get so drunk that you get thrown out of the club before your set then go to your piece of shit pickup truck to get a fishing gaff and run back in the front door to poke a 400 pound bouncer named Ricky. This causes Ricky’s awful, horrendous, drunken pig of a girlfriend to run through the bar howling, “SWEET JESUS SOMEONE JUST STABBED RICKY WITH A FUCKING HARPOON!!!!” Not good for the vibe.

Don’t tell some chick at the bar that you want to hit on, “man these guys fucking suck” until you’re sure she’s not married to the singer of the band.

When there is only six people in the club don’t puke on the table where four of them are sitting.

Never start your set grabbing your crotch and screeching Axl Rose style into the mic, “Well lick my butt and balls it’s a (insert band name) rock and roll show!!!”

Don’t put inside jokes on your flyers that just make you seem like a D&D dice wielding nerd. “We cast magic missile” might seem funny at band practice but to the general public it makes your band seem as compelling as eating dog shit.

Don’t assault the soundman in the middle of your set because you don’t have enough guitar in your monitor and then when you’re getting your ass kicked by the other band that jumps in to help out stand on the drum riser with devil horns held high and yell, “That’s what you get when you fuck with StraitJakket!!!!”

Try to refrain from calling your fellow band members assholes during your set, especially into the microphones.

Don’t wear sandals. Your feet are disgusting.

Don’t act like more of a badass than you really are and if you are a badass be ready to prove it to drunk lame-o who’s slutty girlfriend has just told him that she wants to get violated “by a real man like that” in the men’s room toilet stall.

Follow-up to the last one, be sure to duck when everyone else in the room does.

Never wear a vest.

Refrain from giving each other rock nicknames and introducing each other by them. No one other than your fat girlfriend thinks it’s cool that your drummer calls you, “Frankie Solos!”

Don’t suck cock on message boards.

Don’t tell the owner of the club, “We’ll teach you the meaning of the word respect with our music” and then shove the heavy metal horns in his face.

No matter how bad you are don’t apologize for being onstage. If you’re that bad I’m already pissed that you tricked me into being at your show and you don’t have to rub it in.

Don’t tell people you’re going to play at 9:00 and then don’t start till 1:00 in the morning. It’s just rude.

Don’t start crying in the middle of your awesome guitar solo and at the end of the song have the bass player give you a big man hug.

Don’t wear pants that are too small and avoid the glittery shirts at all costs.

Before the show please don’t do bend at the waist hamstring stretches with your ass to the dressing room door while wearing bicycle shorts and with a very serious straight face ask the other bands for some privacy so you can “do what you need to do to get ready to motherfucking rock it” and expect not to get laughed at.

Don’t pick at your balls between songs. It’s very uncomfortable for the audience to watch.

Avoid playing record company showcases at exactly the same moment that an ex-football player accused of slaughtering his wife and a waiter is tootling down a freeway in a white Ford Bronco with the entire LAPD in hot pursuit.

Just admit it, you were in bad heavy metal bands until Weezer broke out and you have never listened to Gang of Four in your life. It’s really OK, no one out there gives a shit enough to judge you for it.

Don’t assume that the audience needs more guitar in the mix. They don’t.

Don’t show up late for a gig sweating like an NFL lineman in the middle of the Sahara desert and after two songs say, “these guys are going to jam for a bit” and go out back to shoot up behind a dumpster.

If you’re playing in a sports bar don’t tell the bartender to turn the TV’s off. It makes the audience who wishes you would just shut the fuck up they could hear Jon Madden want to kill you even more.

For the love of Jesus Christ don’t forget to eat a goddamn mint or some gum before you start close-talking me…, errr I mean the audience, after your terrible fucking set is over about how awesome you are with your atrocious cat shit breath.

Hey Enrique it’s the middle of the summer so you can take the wool ski cap off.

Don’t try to be cool and hawk a big lunger while you’re playing and have it catch on your bass and drip all over you for the rest of the song.

Don’t wink.

Unless you’re Chris Farley don’t do massive amounts of cocaine and get onstage and start telling jokes.

Don’t say, “this is a song about a girl.” All your songs are about girls which is strange since you rarely ever get to touch a real one. Try writing songs about playing Everquest and masturbating to get that soul-touching honesty into your music.

Don’t forget to put on deodorant.

Don't finish a set and jump out from behind the drum set and grab your bass player by the throat and slam him into the wall screaming , "YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!" If you happen to do that don't follow it up by getting into a knockdown dragout with the singer that ends up behind the bar causing many bottles of delicious liquor to get smashed on the floor. OK if you do that as well don't storm out of the club and throw a shopping cart into a mini-van that you are driving but don't happen to own. On the off chance that you have not listened to this advice well make sure to go back in time and NOT give the keys to your guitar player who is going to storm off in another car stranding your ass and the asses of those you just beat up in the parking lot while the cops show up to investigate the ruckus.

Don't be the guitarist that has the keys to the van and gets drunk and storms off with your roadie thus stranding your awesomely sexy but injured bass player in a parking lot withh a homicidal maniac drummer and a dented van that got stabbed by a shopping cart.

Don't be the first band in the ten year history of the shittiest bar in the universe (or at least the state of Maryland) that is so bad the soundman cuts you off during soundcheck and throws you out the backdoor.

Don’t forget to say thank you.

To me.