All I wanted was a t-shirt

I just bought a t-shirt that says “Sexier than Satan”

It’s from a UK band called AntiProduct that have the right attitude about things if nothing else. I have rediscovered my love of band t-shirts after years of disdaining them, I’m not sure why. I clearly recall the first concert t-shirt I ever bought, it was a Bruce Springsteen shirt with a pink Cadillac on the front purchased at the Capital Center in 1984.

Not too cool.

After that it was all heavy metal and hard roxx gear starting with Motley Crue and a terribly impressive collection of Iron Maiden shirts. At that time in my life there wasn’t much better to do than throw on an Iron Maiden shirt with a picture of a bloody saber wielding mummy wading through dismembered bodies to really get Moms and Dads in an uproar. Mom was quite concerned that I was a Satanist (incorrect) and my Dad thought I was slightly retarded and had zero to little chance of ever having a girlfriend if I continued down this path of heavy metal knuckleheadery hanging out with my similarly clad and equally dopey buddies (quite correct, smart guy that Dad). The Motley Crue glam era shirts were tough to get away with, even I thought they were kinda fruity but being a true blue fan of the Crue I wore my colors wherever I could (the mall). Of course I couldn’t get out of the house without being martyred for my beliefs at the hands of the unbelieving infidels that I had to live with.

Me – I’m going to the mall.
Dad – Hey hold on a second…..
Me – What Dad, I have to go……why are you so….so….so…..
Dad – I just want to ask you a question. Is that a woman on your shirt?
Me – Which one?
Dad – Any of them….what about blondie?
Me – HIS name is Vince and he’s a guy.
Dad – Why does he want to look like a woman? It’s ridiculous!
Me – It’s not ridiculous it’s cool…you just don’t understand the Crue!
Dad – Pink pants and…what the hell is that a garter belt…..that can’t be cool…it just can’t be.
Older brother – I think Stevie is gay.
Me – I AM NOT!!!
Dad – Your brother is not gay…….he just likes to have shirts with transvestites on them for some reason.
Dad and Older brother erupt in gales of laughter.
Me – YOU GUYS ARE JERKS!!!! ..slams door, goes to mall, talks to no girls, buys more t-shirts, comes home and listens to Shout at the Devil and wishes the Crue would go back to blood and leather.....

As my tastes in music expanded so did the range of my t-shirt collection. I had a lot of good old D.C. punk band shirts and some fantastic Hanoi Rocks and Sex Pistols ones. I wish I still had those. I guess I could buy some of them used off ebay but that would just be gross not to mention terribly pretentious.

Anyhow somewhere along the way around the time I briefly thought looking like James Spader in a Bennetton ad was cool (I was confused…let’s just let it go) I just stopped wearing band t-shirts altogether. After James Spader era was over and I returned to my natural path of glorious attractiveness I did the plain t-shirt, the ironic kooky t-shirt, the company t-shirt, the horrid bowling shirt, (like you didn’t) but not band t-shirts until I went to a show one night and just decided it was time to get back to business. It was time, yes lord I was back serving the cause.


So now I’m having a jolly old romp around buying shirts from artists that are the current day versions in my affection that the Crue and Maiden and W.A.S..P. were back in the good old days. I have found some Hanoi Rocks shirts as a tribute to my past loves and the enduring diggityness I have for that band but not too much of the other older stuff. I would hate to be thought of as someone who was fronting on their lifelong dedication to Twisted Sister by wearing a replica “Stay Away From Captain Howdy shirt” when I bought the original at an actual show when the band was not ironic but iconic, (at least to me). That replica metal band t-shirt trend on dudes is crazy.

Does anybody believe the mope with the faux-hawk and white belt wearing a “I F.U.C.K LIKE A BEAST” shirt has ever really listened to W.A.S.P.? His overly emotional ass should be sacrificed by Blackie Lawless on W.A.S.P.’s spark shooting fire blazing galvanized steel altar of rock and roll like he did to the dancing girl during Johnny Rod’s “Hellion” bass solo on the Electric Circus tour. That’s what I’m talking about.

GODDAMIT!!!!!!!!!

In addition to the “Sexier than Satan” shirt I have recently picked up the aforementioned Hanoi Rocks numbers and one for Mark Lanegan that says, “methamphetamine blues” across the front. That one is a real hit at the local P.T.A. meetings. I have started picking up shirts from bands that we play with that I actually like such as Marah, their logo is similar to the red, white and blue ABA basketball…not terribly original but I dig it. The collection is gathering mass and I like it, it’s entertaining and quite possibly inspiring as my old man stopped by the other day sporting a Pharmacy Prophets shirt of all things. As stated earlier, he’s a smart guy that Dad.

I wish I had worn the Metallica, “Metal Up Your Ass” t-shirt way back when. It had a knife sticking out of a toilet bowl. I always thought that was cool.

See you later, I'm heading to Hong Kong, (the store not the city).