Castor Oil...sickeningly good

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

A letter from my pal John Kerry (with my comments in red)

A letter from my friend John Kerry (with comments in red)

Dear Steve,

Yesterday, 25 Democratic Senators joined our effort to filibuster the Alito nomination (swanky…just yesterday I took a piss and didn’t get a single droplet on the seat). -- that's more votes to filibuster the Alito nomination than there were votes against Justice Roberts' nomination itself just a few months ago, (we still lost our asses but this time it was just 87% of the cheeks and hole!)

This morning, 42 Senators (in an effort as meaningful as Webster declaring for the NBA draft) voted against Alito's nomination (then went to the strip bar and glared at the Japanese businessmen who seemed to be getting all the love from Candace and Vanessa). That's the highest number of votes against any Supreme Court nominee since Clarence Thomas in 1991 (this might mean something if I was a Detroit Lions fan or Leif Garrett’s addiction counselor and hard up for anything that smacks of progress).

It's hard to lose (but harder to win apparently) -- but it's important to fight for what we believe in (as evidenced by the gains we have made since banding together under this email list…..oh wait, scratch that, just..umm…go watch Rocky and send more money). I want to thank the hundreds of thousands of you who signed our petitions, (hundreds of thousands…eleven or twelve including two for Kennedy, it’s an inexact science) called your senators, (I LOST MY DRIVER’S LICENSE CAN YOU HELP I HATE THE LINE AT THE DMV!!!) wrote letters to the editor (ok just stop it) and, most important, refused to stand silent (sitting quietly is SO much more meaningful) while President Bush worked (after vacation) to pack the highest court in the land with far right ideologues, (damn if only someone could have done something to not let that happen like last November or something that would have been totally bitching).

We fought a fight that needed fighting, (?!?!?!). We made sure the nation knew the truth about the Alito nomination, (like you lost the election and reinforced the notion that Democrats are a bunch of whiny pussies so no matter how valid your argument may be it’s going to get ignored and this dude is going to get passed up to the bench no matter how red faced Teddy gets because no one takes a fucking thing you have to say at all seriously anymore if ever). We made sure America heard how a right wing ideological coup sandbagged Harriet Miers' nomination (wait, you would rather SHE got up there?!?!?) and replaced her with Judge Alito (seriously, Kerry must think I’m high to follow this line of reasoning).

No one will be able to say, in five to ten years, that he or she is surprised by the decisions Judge Alito makes from the bench (that could be accurate, pointless but accurate). People who believe in privacy rights, (you have plenty of privacy but refuse to take it!!! SHUT UP!!!!!) who fight for the rights of the most disadvantaged, (57 Sauce for all my people!) who believe in balancing the power between the President and Congress had to take a stand, (but instead turned on American Idol and sat down to take a crap. Isn’t that just a hard kick to the nuts.)

We also made it clear to the Bush administration that no matter what they throw at us in 2006 -- whether it's extreme nominees, special interest giveaways, shortsighted policy or Swift Boat-style attacks against Democratic candidates -- we will never surrender, (ummm…..aren’t you the guy that basically let the Swift Boat Vets shove a rusty propeller up your butthole the day of y our acceptance nomination?). We will always fight back (with much slapping but to no discernible effect other than it gives Bill O’Reilly something to talk about other than Holiday trees so in some small way you are serving the betterment of America.)
Now, we must be clear about something else, (something else implies we had clarity about something previous, but please continue). Winning the 2006 congressional elections is the only way to change the dangerous path George W. Bush has put us on, (other than winning the 2004 election which I screwed like a drunken Ukranian goatherder turned loose on the fettered beasts in the barn after getting a lapdance from Maria Sharapova). We need to defeat those Republicans who have overlooked this administration's incompetence, (not so much overlooked but bolstered but again…please continue) turned a blind eye to its failures, (WHAT FAILURES….why do you hate America?) and lent a helping hand to its dangerous ideology, (dude if they lent a helping hand you’re the fucking Gates foundation and Bono rolled into one for these clowns. Jesus).

Together, we have to act to make sure 2006 is the year Americans (yes!), led by Democrats, (doubtful) stand up (but I’m so comfortable) to incompetence, (HA! Do y ou recall your entire FUCKING PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN!?!?!?) cronyism (if I help you what’s in it for me?) and corruption, take back Congress, and get our nation moving in the right direction again. (I thought we just moved too far to the right. This guy is hard to follow!)

I look forward to fighting alongside you, (it’s like the Charge of the Light Brigade and Groundhog Day all rolled into a calzone of delicious loserdom)

Sincerely, (HA!)

John Kerry



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