Castor Oil...sickeningly good

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Now with Disclaimer! - I'm George Allen and I think you're a bunch of stupid assholes

Good lord, do I really have to do this. The posting below is satirical in nature and is intended solely to make fun of Senator George Allen's alleged racism and definitive poor governance of of Old Virginny. The statements in parenthses (those are the smiley face mouths) have been inserted as commentary that, in a perverse world, might have run through the Senator's mind while reading his ninnyish statement last night. I'm sorry if this was hard for some to understand and I find it baffling what with all our awesome improvements in the schools and all.

I'm a racist. THAT is fucking funny.

Now on to the show..............................................

"Good evening (white people) I'm George Allen, (check it out, I'm so white this Jack-O-Lantern standing next to me calls me Clorox). For more than a decade with Susan by my side, (keep grinning baby, the morphine will kick in ANY second now), I've had the honor of serving you, (well, serving you a load of bullshit but hey, you get what you pay for!); as Governor, (YAY!) and now (for now) in the United States Senate. (or as I like to call it the REAL White House).

"Virginians, (like me…sorta), expect to hear us (who?), address the real issues you care about, (NASCAR, the big value menu at Taco Bell and whether Tom Cruise is really a godless homo….oh, and tits). Over the past several weeks that hasn't been the case (thanks a lot Macaca and you fucking no sense of humor internet nerds). Some of this (OK, OK) I've brought on myself, (by not having that little asshole's shit kicked in the parking lot like I should have). But (I said but…hee hee hee) the negative personal attacks (did I tell you Webb eats babies at his gay Satanic altar..just saying..) and baseless allegations (ALLIGATORS!) have also pulled us away from what you expect (for me to infer that there are dark skinned Boogeymen that want to eat your toothless faces off) and deserve (for me to tell you what to do).

"I'm confident (I mean, don't let the fact that I had to buy this airtime let you think otherwise) that if this Senate race (NASCAR…I LOVE NASCAR!!!) is decided on issues, (hello WHITEY!) ideas (reference my shit kicking idea above, now that was a good idea!) and my proven record of performance, (you think that grin on old Toothy McBriteWhite over here is from prescription drugs? HA!!!! I'll show you performance!) you'll allow me (like I should have to be "allowed" to do anything) to continue serving you, (phew thank JESUS I got through that one with a straight face).

"As Governor, we (I) made Virginia safer (for me) by abolishing parole for (black) violent criminals (or as I like to call it, "George Allen's Urban Improvement By Putting THOSE PEOPLE Away Program). Brought high (now we're talking!) academic standards (comparative to the Sudan our school lunches are the tits!) and resources (hot young white women) to our (your) schools (not for my kids but I mean, come on!) Reformed welfare, (Hey, they're the ones going around singing MO MONEY MO PROBLEMS so I considered it a favor!) cut taxes (farts) and recruited new, (RELATIVE TERM!) good paying (not to me but it's more than enough for you assholes) jobs (for white people in Northern Virginia).

"In the Senate, (you would not BELIEVE the vacation time) I've offered clear (clear is subjective....) plans (hey you can make plans when you're drunk so shut it) to end (sorta) our dependence (that's really unfair, I like to think of it as a civil union; not that I support that kind of thing in general....for homos.....but for the bubblin' crude it's OK for now) on Mideast oil, (rename Iraq as Allenville, take the oil, subjugate whatever natives are still around and send WHOEVER nudge nudg wink wink happens to be in our prisons over there to go buck wild. It'll be just like Australia! Who doesn't love Australia?), secure our borders (well, make a run for the border at the very least. I might be all positive White Christian gung-ho America but damn do I love me some Taco Bell), and strengthen our (my) economy by controlling spending (for you) and reducing the tax burden (for me) on families, (mine) retirees (my golfing buddies) and small business owners (hey, Korean massage parlor owners gotta eat too!).

"My National Innovation Act (HAHA!) will promote math, (DOUBLE HAHA!) science (I like this intelligent design business, it makes me feel ever more distant from the pigmentally afflicted) and technology (PS3 BAYBEE!!!) to provide our students (those little assholes) with the tools (X-BOX and elimination of interest in anything of import and the loss of general cognitive thought) they need (what I need is for this goofy freak standing next to me to turn her head, the shine from those choppers is making me look a little TOO pasty. Wait, that's not possible!! Smile on Jack!) to compete (do….not……laugh….) and succeed (…thinking bad thoughts….no smiling……remember Daddy and his whippin' stick……control control control…....)

"Since 9/11 (or as I call it, Free Ticket Tuesday) we've (who, me?) taken steps to protect our homeland. (Sure, they were all in the wrong direction but I like to think of it as more like a walkabout than a journey with an actual destination). But like many of you, (Mark Moseley and Jack here) I'm concerned by the war in Iraq. (that I need to continue until I get this whole Allenville idea fleshed out). I want our (white) troops to come home as soon as possible (ASAP = right before November, 2008 except for Webb's kid, he can pound sand and take his goofy ass dad with him). And I want them to come home in victory (because victory means parades and parades means horsey rides) - not defeat. (I have never seen a defeat parade)

They (them) - and their families (not mine!) - have made great sacrifices (as great as, y'know, those kind of people can make) for our (my financial) security. They understand the consequences of failure. (but who gives a shit? I'm riding horsies in parades ((see above)) and knocking back suds with Diron Talbert. Y'know what I say and how I roll, out of sight and out of mind is OUTTA SITE AND DY-NO-MITE!!!!!!!) Leaving Iraq (wasn't that a Sheryl Crow song, I love Sheryl Crow, she's like a dirty safe little minx) as a safe haven for terrorists (we built it we own it mofo) will leave America (and Allenville) less secure (to white people). And that's a risk we cannot afford.(which is why I want to send another $180,000,000,000 over there to build a democracy…………and Allenville).

"In the weeks ahead, it's my hope to have an invigorating debate worthy of our rich history. (if by 'have an invigorating debate' you mean find 'pictures of Jim Webb barebacking a pack of Cub Scouts').

"I'm George Allen (MY DAD COACHED THE REDSKINS!!!!) and I approve this message because I believe (that all of you rednecks are fucking idiots that will line my pockets as long as I keep scaring you with the blacks and homos) in Virginia (rednecks)... I believe in our (white) people (see aforementioned position on idiots and pocket lining) and most importantly (aside from getting Jack another armload of dope before she opens that maw and starts babbling about my special Wizard costume)... I believe (HAHA!!!) in our (my financial) future together (with white people)"


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