Castor Oil...sickeningly good

Thursday, April 21, 2005

That's a man baby!

I was wandering through National Airport, (which will always be National Airport to me and not Reagan National Airport or whatever the hell it’s officially called now), browsing the magazine racks for informative and serious literature like Details when I saw the leering demonic head of Ann Coulter perched upon her tentacle-like neck trying to jump off the cover of Time and eat my soul. I had two thoughts upon first glance, one was that it was revolting that a charlatan and spectacularian witch like that would warrant the cover of a prominent weekly news magazine and the second was that that freak has some outrageously large feet…...more like shovels on the end of her boney legs than the standard podiatric equipment we humans are issued upon birth. These things were big, too big, and too big to not have an evil origin behind them. But what was it…….…….

As the caffeine from cup number five started to kick in and get my supercharged cranial neurons firing at maximum capacity I started to ponder and the halogen bulb of brilliant observation I carry in my head lit up strong….what a brilliant scheme….what a massively nefarious comic book villain worthy scheme. Perped and prepped decades before, no doubt from the brains of Pat Buchanan and his ilk, to infiltrate the soggy headed minds of America! What pray tell have I uncovered through my awesome powers of deduction…..peep it here folks.

Enter into evidence common sense. We all know that no woman in her right mind would spew the kind of shit that Ann Coulter foists upon the world. Who really believes that kind of crap that isn’t some sort of provincial white guy that’s scared of vaginas and the way that his wiener looks when it’s all shrively in the morning? Anyone who hearkens back to the “good old days” of the 50’s pretty much sucks and lives in the warm embrace of revisionist history. The world wasn’t better then unless you happened to be a jolly old white guy suburbanite with a stranglehold on the good jobs and the slaphappy right hand of the government and the stinging left of backwards social and class structures keeping people that were born smarter relegated to the back of the bus or folding dishtowels and cranking out youngns. It sucked more then that it does now for most of the citizens of this country. You don’t believe me? Talk to a retired FBI agent who was stationed in Mississippi in the 50’s like I have on many occasions and hear about the good old days. Pretty fucking terrifying. Anyway……

So where does Coulter come from? How does this big angular goofy footed freak break into mainstream culture blowing hot air about the joys of beating down her own gender? Simple. She isn’t brainwashed, she isn’t just in it for the soulless dollar, and she isn’t even just a loudmouthed self-hating loon.

She’s a man baby.

C’mon you don’t believe me? Take a closer look. I’ve seen drunken IT consultants at Halloween parties in mom’s old mumu that look more like a natural woman. Joe Namath
had more estrogen rocking when he did a pantyhose ad than Brother Ann. That “chick” is 100% dude and has been sent Manchurian candidate style to assassinate the brains of chicken-shit reactionary buttheads across the nation! It’s evil; it’s brilliant and goddamn if it doesn’t seem to be working. Here’s how I’m guessing it unfolded.

Back in the 50’s when Slow Joe McCarthy was starting to unravel the cognoscenti of white dudes running the show from behind closed doors were starting to get nervous. The Korean War just wasn’t all that fun and the whole Commie angle just couldn’t hold a candle to the Axis. On top of that the busboys and street cleaners that were in the front of the landing crafts right next to the white kids in World War II were getting kinda pissed about being sent to the back of the bus when they got back home and women were starting to get fed up with choosing either mom, waitress, teacher, nurse, hooker or crazy lady with cats and ambition as their career choices. Now the boys at the top weren’t dumb and they could see the writing on the wall that a cultural shift was on the horizon that even they couldn’t control so they started doing some long-term strategic planning. They knew that they would have to lose some battles to win the war, basically give up the 60’s and the 70’s to the whackos, numb and dumb the populace in the 80’s and 90’s and come back strong in the next century to get back to where they started from. Let the masses get what they wished for and then remind them how much better it was “back in the day” when starched white gas station attendants checked your oil and everybody knew their place. It would take time but it was the only way. Patience is a virtue even for evil fuckers in darkened conference rooms smoking Pall Mall’s and saying nasty things about Jackie Robinson.

They knew that they had to front their long-term power grab with covert agents that would make the targets of their ambition think, “hey I get it, this person is speaking for me because they are me!” But with nature and human will being what it is and the fact that women were entirely mystifying to begin with the thought of putting their eggs in the basket of a real live female was too risky. So what to do what to do………..

Enter, “Operation Nip and Tuck”.

Sending agents to various orphanages across the country with instructions to procure “sissy looking baby boys” they went through various stages of sex-change procedures, with varying results, combined with deep training in media influence and celebrity building. These new “girls” were placed with host families tasked with infiltrating society and building their stature as “known” people. Of course there were failures, some of the operations were only partially successful and the operatives went rogue…brilliant but insane creatures caught forever in a parallax between man and woman, good and evil.

Can you say Richard Simmons? Hmmmmm?????

But the successful moles are out there. Teamed in parallel with Agent Condi Rice, (like your own eyes don’t back me up on THAT one), Agent Ann Coulter took to the airwaves backed by the machine and became a bonafide media star! Such is the power of television and the desperation of your average dickhead that “she” was even considered hot by millions of TV viewers. Can you imagine the glee of the architects of Operation Nip and Tuck at that? This was going to be easier than they thought! And damn if it isn’t working. There are millions of chuckle-headed fools just lining up to eat the guano that Agent Ann produces out of that Mister Ed looking face of his….errrr….hers. I wonder what the reports back to the home base are like –

AA – Coulter to base…come in base.
Base – Yo…good job on the Cavuto show. I was a little worried about the forced sterilization shtick but damn if you didn’t hit another home run with that one.
AA – Yeah that was a stretch but y’know, people are fucking idiots.
Base – True dat…true dat.
AA – I have Real Time again this Friday, wait’ll you hear what I have lined up for that shit. I love cable; you can really go all out and get some good numbers on the notoriety scale. All in all things are good, I got the cover of Time and was a little scared by the cover shot but those goddamn hicks still seem to eat my ass up.
Base – Crazy, I mean, that people buy this whole you’re a woman thing and all. I never thought it would work as well as it has but I guess the people upstairs know what they’re doing.
AA – No shit. Anyway I have to go get ready to pull Delay’s ass out of the fire again. I figure I’ll go with the homosexual invasion threat as a lead-in and close up with the liberals want to murder your babies routine.
Base – Classic rock baby, classic rock. You gotta dance with the partner that brung ya as they say. Everything else going OK?
AA – Yeah, the phone sex thing with O’Reilly gets pretty tired and spending time with Ted Nugent and Alan Simpson is about as fun as getting my dick cut off but the job is the job. Hey speaking of that, when my contract is up in ’09 you guys still have my wang in storage right?
Base – Mmmmmm….about that.
AA – You better not be telling me you lost my schlong, don’t EVEN BEGIN TO TELL ME THAT YOU LOST MY SCHLONG!!!!
Base – oooohhh… no no….it’s fine…umm…I’m looking at it in the jar of formaldehyde right now…a damn spiffy jimmy if I ever saw one.
AA – Are you sure……because if it’s gone.
Base – Ann…would we lie to you?

Of course she might just be a really scary looking loudmouth but I’m going with my theory until proven otherwise. Just take a look at the cover of Time and I think you’ll be right there with me.


  • I'd fuck her. Him. I'd fuck him.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:34 PM  

  • but how did your hair look while you were contemplainting this?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:19 PM  

  • Just when your political rantings were starting to make sense, I don't know maybe the thought of you becoming "conservative" scared you.

    By Anonymous Bully, at 8:13 AM  

  • Your hair looked just fine. In my lap. Right next to Phil's.

    Smile for me, baby!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:28 AM  


    Go there now.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:27 AM  

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