Castor Oil...sickeningly good

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Down at the Korova Oxygen Bar

So me and Wesley traipsed out to Chantilly today to go to a bankruptcy auction that was being held at a public storage unit. Not normally being prone to bottom-feeding on other people’s garbage I was hesitant to attend until Wesley sent me a partial list of items up on the block. Keep in mind this is a very partial list of the stuff for sale –

General Shit
tanning bed
massage table
exercise bike LifeFitness Model 9500
elliptical exercise machine LifeFitness 5500
bowflex power pro
foosball table
wine refrigerator
2 Segway scooters
tap-rite beer cooler
11 pillow sectional couch, white
2 4-foot black lights
blue & black leather chair & couch set
phillips flat-screen tv 42"
sony trinitron tv
bang & olafson tv 36"
several pieces of Bang & Olafson stereo gear
stainless steel bar stools
oxygen bar and 4 service stations
bose wave radi
o4 apple flat screen "tvs" approx 24"
nec flat screen monitor model #lcd2010
several sony vhs & dvd players
1st apple computer w/supporting documentation and keyboard"

Music Shit
mackie 808 mixer
johnson millenium amp
fender squier bass ("base guitar")
yamaha 740 synth
5 pc pearl drum kit
3 sabian cymbals
fender amp ser # 2340
taylor 814ce
another taylor listed by serial
#4 dan armstrong guitars, clear (lucite)
PRS w/brown stripes
fender telecaster
fender telecaster", purple (could be a custom shop)
guild electric/red #BM20179 (Brian May)
Gibson "Yahoo" les paul
rickenbacker doubleneck
Gibson "Austin Powers" les paul
AP0001 <--2 gibson acoustics
martin hd-18
12 custom shop les pauls
gibson bigsby flying v
9 gibson les pauls w/serial #s that indicate they are reissues

Now after getting out there and freezing our nuts off for a bit the word on who the previous owner of said booty was started getting around. Like a lot of people with a lot of money it was very apparent that a total lack of any sort of taste kept the universe in proportion with the enormous wealth at this person’s disposal. Shit brown leather couches and funk-crusted massage tables…..very nice.

We hung around for a while and watched the fascinating business of the public auction. There was one very very angry serial-killer there who bid on everything but won nothing. I think he was just trying to be a dick and run the prices up while he made everyone around him nervous and scared for the sanctity of their flesh. It was like the Maharajha’s garage sale with garage sale types in full effect only instead of spending a dollar here and a dollar there things were going for thousands, all payable on the spot in cash. If the crew from Dead Presidents had been on hand they could have made a strong arm buttload of cash!

If you peruse the list above you will see that there were two Segway scooters for sale. Apparently they once had a more grandiose transfer of ownership as befitted this press release from April, 2002. I have changed the names to protect my own petrified of litigation ass but this is the real and true text about the Segway being sold today aside from the names:

Cockface Inc., Wins with Bid on Historic TechnologyCEO Jerkoff McMasters Wins Prototype Segway on ebay™

Alexandria, VA, April 10, 2002 -- Cockface Inc.,, Inc. an application service and managed hosting provider, announced today that founder and CEO Jerkoff McMasters was ebayª's winning bidder on a prototype Segway, one of three limited edition Human Transporters auctioned by Segway founder and inventor Dean Kamen.

Jerkoff McMasters’ bid of $106,500 closed the auction and will move the Segway from Los Angeles, CA to Cockface's Alexandria, VA headquarters. The purchase was made as "an investment in an exciting summer," says McMasters. He notes, "it's very easy for (Cockface employees) to become fixated on keyboards and monitors. The Segway is a great escape - a reminder that technology is a tool for liberation."

Today the Segway was liberated from a public storage unit by a work-release program guy in a jumpsuit. It sold for less than $2,000. Life is rich I tell ya, even for those who get that way by some act of mischief.

It was cold as hell so we left before any of the guitars went up for bid which was too bad. I would have loved to have learned what the one of a kind Yahoo! Guitar sold for and who would have been sad enough to think it was cool. I sure would have loved to have gotten my hands on that oxygen bar though, as long as the oxygen tasted like whiskey.


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