Castor Oil...sickeningly good

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

The Bros


I am taking credit for creation of the term “The Bros.” Use it at your own risk as I will sue whoever bastardizes my beautiful creation. The Bros consist of band doodez that use the word “bro” or one of it’s many derivatives in their never-ending dopey posts on internet message boards claiming how hardass they all are and how down they are with each other.

Bro derivatives are (but not limited to) – Brother, Brah, Braugh, Broham, Bros (pl), Brudder, Bruthah, Brotherman, Broman, Broham, and the all caps BRO!

The Bros routinely play really stupid fucking music and are incredibly lyrically bankrupt. They love to share their lyrics with each other and marvel at their own deepness and the blackness of their hearts. The Bros have a lot to say and not a lot of intelligent ways to say it. The terms broken, lost, closed, hate, love, destroy and soul comprise about 100% of the lyrical offerings. Oh yeah, the Bros always err on the side of bone-crushing volume when in doubt on where to go in a song. They think loud equates to awesome and if you don’t like it you’re no Bro….You’re a fag!!!

The Bros are hard as adamantium but they universally love Metallica, (except for the new shit), guns, watching sports, video games and porno. The Bros love to play shows together where the Broditude rules supreme. Bro-fests usually consist of Bros (band members), ugly girlfriends, relatives and parents. The parents love their little Bros and are there to support the idiocy they had a hand in creating.

The Bros also love nicknames and interspersing the word fuck throughout them for effect when they are seriously rocking out in their postings. A typical Bro post might read –

“Can’t wait to rock the fuck out with you bros on Thursday at Luigi’s!!! It’s going to be MAYHEM!!!!! PEACE OUT!!

Lightning FUCKING Fingers
Metal Master from RazorSkin

The Bros as a whole are ugly as shit and look like they came crawling out of a basement or a trash truck. Their penchant for stupid tattoos is as ingrained as their gay love for Dave Mustaine from Megadeth, (deep and burning like a red hot herpee). The Bros are usually pretty nice overall but you would never have them over to the house unless they were there to fix something. There are old Bros and young Bros and fat Bros and thin Bros but they are all Bros and Bros are what they will always be.

It’s not that I hate the Bros, not at all. I played heavy music in heavy bands for years and had some good Bro times if I do say so myself. I just think the Broaciousness while endearing to one another does the music a disservice because as dopey as they are a lot of the Bros are talented musicians. It’s unfortunate that they let being stupid Neanderthalic idiots get in the way of their musical abilities. If the Bros wore burkas and muzzled themselves and had zero input into the songwriting process they could probably be decent session musicians. That will never happen though…that would entail losing Bro cred which is crucial. Crucial to what….well that’s a post for another day.

If nothing else the Bros have inspired me to post twice in one day. Now that’s some hard ass posting Bro!!!!

Castor Fucking Oil
Mad Blogger from DickTown

6 Comments:

  • best fucking line ever:

    "Their penchant for stupid tattoos is as ingrained as their gay love for Dave Mustaine from Megadeth, (deep and burning like a red hot herpee). The Bros are usually pretty nice overall but you would never have them over to the house unless they were there to fix something"

    that's just pure freaking genius there....thanks for a great laugh

    btw, as I was reading this I was thinking about the king of bro's....JPE from 703

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:17 PM  

  • Dude. There is a shit-ass synth-pop band called the Bros. Check out the ass-handlers here: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0001AVYV8/qid=1102468388/sr=8-1/ref=pd_ka_1/104-6356677-7273550?v=glance&s=music&n=507846

    Damn. You're lucky I have a mental trap memory for every band that ever came out ever.

    Second: I love me some Cafe Asia. I could walk in the place and never get tired of filling my face with Tasty Asian Yummy. But if I ever did get tired of it, what's really great about Cafe Asia is that you can ask Tasty Asian Yummy and the rest of her HOTT hostess friends to go get me a menu. Oooooh, snaaaaapp!

    By Blogger The Deceiver, at 8:18 PM  

  • Bro,

    You should have seen our fucking show; we fucking rocked! They fucking told us to turn down two fucking times!! DOOD, they kicked us out when we had five fucking more songs to play!!! Ahhhahahaha FUCKIN' EH!

    Actually, we were skiping those songs anyway 'cause we were just so wrung out.

    By Blogger notionsUnlimited, at 9:35 AM  

  • There is an "Asia Cafe" in Ashburn. Not Cafe Asia, but really fucking good for a pseudo-country boy like me. And....I'm not nearly as likely to run into the doodz,the bros, the brahs, etc.

    By Blogger Phil Rossi, at 11:56 AM  

  • Those that know me understand my penchant for all things Asian and yummy. The food is good too.

    Nice to see my Bros showing up for some internet style Bro hugs and ass slaps.

    By Blogger Castor OiL, at 12:06 PM  

  • i'm assuming you've met JPE?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:49 PM  

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