Something REALLY SCARY this way comes

First off here’s my take on Ashlee Simpson. She’s about as real as a fucking cartoon and I’m truly sorry to say that cartoons aren’t real. If they were I would my spend time blowing up assholes with sticks of dynamite and dropping anvils on the lady that lets her dog crap on my lawn. Sadly it’s not to be but if for some reason you think that cartoons are real the bad news is that you’re an imbecile. On the flip-side the good news is that you probably lead a pretty blissful existence and look up in the sky for birds and planes and all manner of aliens which sounds like fun as long as a bird doesn’t shit in your mouth.. For all you non-imbecilic citizens out there though getting upset about Ashlee doing what she does is about as dumb as being bummed that you can’t yell “Flame On” and fly around shooting fireballs like the Human Torch.

Although that would be tremendously cool.

On to better things; there is this message board that I kinda lurk on that is full of punk rock dudes threatening to kick each other’s asses all day. They talk about other shit like how gay every band that they aren’t in is and how they want to bang chicks and how cool their tattoos are and such but an inordinate amount of typing is done about who is going to fuck who up and so forth and what not. If that board were real life it would be bloody knuckles and broken bodies throughout the punk rock universe with emo kids in tight pants getting more than their share of the rain of pain falling ’pon their plains.

I read that shit and recall that great old Eddie Murphy routine about fighting homosexuals and think that although these emo guys might wear women’s pants and silly belts and be stultifying earnest about their broken hearts they are indeed still guys and could conceivably fuck up all you oh so tough and angry McKaye disciples. OK, probably not but in a crazy kooky world where the Sox came back from 0-3 to beat the Yankees and Ric Ocasek gets to bang Paulina Porzikova anything can happen, right?

Now, I have admittedly gotten my ass kicked in real-time and real-life when engaged in fisticuffs and I left that part of my life behind a LONG time ago because it hurts getting punched, it hurts a lot. Like, "holy shit I think I’m going to start crying in the middle of this bar", kind of hurts. Real fights with fists are pretty rare though, most “fights” between doodes don’t really involve punching at all but a whole lot of yelling and stepping backwards and screaming “COME ON BITCH, YOU GO FIRST, NO YOU GO FIRST, NO YOU GO FIRST YOU PUSSY, WHAT’D YOU SAY BITCH, I’LL FUCK YOU UP,!!” while both parties silently pray for a bouncer to come break it up before they have to actually try to throw a silly-putty armed girl punch and look like the ineffectual loud-mouthed penises that they really are. I have been in a lot of those.

Still, even wrestling around on the ground and pulling each other’s hair (which is what almost always happens if no bouncer is around and there is no recourse but physical entanglement) can be dangerous and used to be approached with a modicum of restraint involving a lot of staring and low-talking amongst your friends. Actually telling some guy you were going to kick his ass meant you might actually have to try and kick his ass and about 99.999999% of us have no idea in the world how to even begin attempting to do that.

But nowadays things are different. With the advent of the internet(s) every doode out there has nuts that swing like wrecking balls and the fuck-you-up skills of Steven Seagal and Batman in their back pockets with some room to spare. You don’t agree with somebody about a certain movie and it’s “I’ll fucking fuck you up motherfucker. I’ll pummel you around the block then shove you up my ass and shit you out on a plate and feed it to my dog who will then re-shit you into the grass where I will step on you with my steel-toed boots and smear you all over the place.”

WOW!!!!

I would love to see the computer virus come around that somehow outs everybody on the internet. All of a sudden ‘DoomSlayer666’ is revealed as Freddy from Quality Control and here’s the address and phone number where you can contact him about his threats to sodomize your mother with the exhaust system from an 82’ Caprice Classic station wagon. I think that style of judgment day should be scarier than the time-tested ‘Here comes Jesus, you better watch out!’ for the majority of the population. For if we are to be judged on our actions and not our hearts then should we really go to hell for sitting around typing and masturbating all day? We don’t really do shit, all we do is talk shit like I am right now.

Does anybody really follow through on threats to fight and fuck each other up on the internet(s)? If so, please comment with the story. Also, I’ll give no prize because I’m cheap and lazy to the person who comments with the most imaginative web-based ridiculous threat of physical violence. It can be directed at me or Clunky or whoever, just be interesting.

One more thing, if you don’t like this post I’ll fucking shove a rusty swing-set down your throat and bend your skinny ass in half and let my crew take turns playing ring-a-round the fucking Rosie on your moms and your grandmoms and then I’ll knock your teeth out and use them to polish my nails to a fine sheen so they look good when I rip your still beating heart out of your chest and eat it on a bagel with a side of I fucked you the fuck up beeyotch and then your girlfriend will want to have sex with me and I’ll let her…right after I fuck you up all over again!