Castor Oil...sickeningly good

Monday, October 25, 2004

I don't need no education

I got a phone call the other day from a sorta more than casual but not close acquaintance (we’ll call him Testy) when I was running on about no sleep and had a zillion things on my mind. Approximate transcript follows:

Me – Hello
Testy – Hey dude….it’s Testy
Me - …………………….
Testy – Testy, you know man, I’m friends with Fuknutz and used to play bass for Vapid Deception.
Me – Oh…hi
Testy – Hey man…I’m looking for a job. I know you didn’t go to college and that you have a good job….
Me – How do you know I didn’t go to college?
Testy – Fuknutz told me…all about you dropping out and shit and how you fell into this good job by being lucky.
Me – hmmmmmm
Testy – So anyway man, I was hoping you could help me out. I said fuck it to college too man, fuck that shit. I mean what are they going to teach me that I don’t already know, right? You know what I mean. HAHA!! So anyway, I need a job because working at this pet store totally sucks.
Me - ………………………
Testy – You there man?
Me – Oh yeah, I’m here.
Testy – Well?
Me – Well what?
Testy – Can you help me get a job?
Me – Doing what?
Testy – I don’t give a fuck man…anything that pays a shitload more than working at this pet store that’s for fucking sure. It might be weird to actually work FOR you if you know what I mean but I guess we could try it, as long as you don’t boss me around and shit. HAHA!
Me – Do you even know what I do?
Testy – Dude, Fuknutz told me that you were the man, you dropped out of school to be a musician and got a fat job just partying or some shit and that’s what I need man….
Me – A fat job or to party?
Testy – YES!!!!
Me –I really don’t know what Fuknutz is talking about and I think it’s kinda fucking lame for you to ring me up about a job when you don’t even know what it is that you want or worse what you can or cannot do. I mean, am I supposed to call someone and say “Hey I know this guy…can you give him a gig as a surgeon?”
Testy – I never said I wanted to be a surgeon man, I just want a job that fucking pays me good money. Why are you being a dick about it?
Me – How am I being a dick? I barely even know you.
Testy –Whatever man, Fuknutz said you were a cock but I said I thought you were cool. Guess I was wrong man.
Me- OK, wait a second. Here’s how I got lucky and fell into my fat job. You already dropped out of college …
Testy – I didn’t even GO at all MAN!!!!
Me - ……….ok, so go get a job moving furniture, do that for about eight years. Work your way up the ranks until you are running the company. Just at that point quit to take a probationary job for less money at a huge corporation doing something that you have no idea from your ass in a hole in the ground as to how to do and do it with no training. Work 15 hours a day to avoid getting fired……that’s how I lucked into my job man. Oh yeah, and you have to cut your hair off.
Testy – WHAT? Dude, why should I have to cut my hair off for a job? Can I at least talk to the dude about it?
Me – What dude?
Testy – The dude that you’re going to call for me about the job?!?!?!?!
Me – I really gotta go.
Testy – You want to call me back?
Me – No.


An hour later Fuknutz calls me and asks why I was such a dick to Testy. I tell Fuknutz to lose my phone number, that I have more important shit to deal with than him and his loser fucking buddy and who the hell is he to tell people what I do or don’t do and how I ended up doing it.

Fuknutz – Man, I remember when you used to be cool?
Me – Oh yeah, when was that?
Fuknutz – Before you cut your hair off.
Me – You didn’t even know me then.
Fuknutz – Well I heard that you used to be cool. Guess that was then and this is now. Later asshole!!!!


Me - ………………………….(befuddled)

Why do I have these things happen? Is it because of some terrible karmic injustice that I perpetrated in a previous life? Was I perhaps a cruel despotic monarch that was unkind to his shitheads peasants and I am now doomed to be tormented by their spirits for all eternity? Another possibly of course is that I primarily hang out in public places that are filled with nothing but idiots. I don’t's probably either that of the cruel monarch thing.

So Testy if you’re reading this, (which I doubt since illiteracy is one thing I am sure you have in abundance), I’m sorry if back in the day I made fun of you and tarred your bare ass and then kicked you around my feudal palace while me and my fair maidens were holding court and getting ready to have an orgy. It was really nothing personal, just part of the job description.

You: Work until your hands bleed and you die a horrific pre-natural death

Me: Take advantage of you and your others until you are of no further labor value then dress you up like a monkey and humiliate you until I light you on fire and throw you off a rampart.

Seriously, check out CareerBuilder, I’m sure there’s something on there for you. Search "under – useless fucking shitheads that want to get paid huge bank, preferably not in a pet store".



  • Yeah, you ARE a dick. You're a dick for not hookin' a brother up. You know, a fellow musician & longhair with no skills, no ambition (that doesn't fit in a guitar case anyway), and no CLUE.

    It amazes me sometimes how people seem to equate 'luck' with 'hard work'. Especially in the music industry.

    Just because you heard of a band today that you hadn't heard of yesterday doesn't mean they're new - just new to you. There's almost no such thing as an overnight success - not in the 'regular' business world either. I'm sure even that little whore Asslee Simpleton had to put in a certain amount of work to get her recording contract - even if all her 'work' amounted to was being nice to her sister.

    Tell you what, hit Testy with a truck and do us all a favor by removing him from the gene pool.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:37 PM  

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