Castor Oil...sickeningly good

Friday, October 22, 2004

Update from the bar

I do have to make this quick as I gots Poppa-ing duties to attend to soon but I had a bunch of folks ask for more bar profiles and figured I would bang some out. I stepped out to the local bar last night after practice to have a beer and shoot the shit with Marc. Thursday is karaoke night so we were in for a whole new cast of characters aside from the usual poltroons and idiots. On top of being stupid alcoholics this gang had delusions of talent and social capability. It was just as pathetic as you are probably imagining and possibly quite a bit worse.

Regulars in attendance last night - Boob, Jack, Danny

Newcomers (rated by diseased livers for loathsomeness)

Jolly - Mid 50's wearing a bright red sweater vest that somehow managed to contain a really fantastic belly, it was like he was nine months pregnant with a bouncing bottle of rotgut gin. While he was sporting a horrific set of gin blossoms and looking about ready to stroke out Jolly was...well...jolly! Hence the nickname. He sang some old show tune and sounded just like a fat, old ass drunk singing an obscure show tune. The crowd would have preferred "Oo Oo That Smell" but they were pretty supportive of Jolly regardless. Jolly was harmless and amusing so he rates a lovable 1 diseased liver out of 5.

Charlie Tuna - Could not have been more drunk, pretty typical idiotic redneck that wants to be the center of attention in the bar. After doing a bizarre version of "What a Wonderful World" by lowering his voice and making it scratchy to the point that he sounded like he was singing through one of those voice modulators they give people who have had their voice boxes cut out he started yelling "SATCHMO....SATCHMO!!!!!", to no one specific bor or bro-ette, it was a communal "SATCHMO!" I guess. For the rest of the night he would offer Randy Jackson style commentary on the rest of the singers including "You sing as beautiful as you look", and ""Holy shit dude, that shit made me fucking cry!". 3 DL's out of 5...he was not truly hateful just stupid and annoying.

The Passion of the Marlboro Man - Sporting a cowboy hat he sang a woeful song that I assume was called "If I were Jesus". I will google to see if I can find the lyrics. Sounded like shit and the fact that he was singing Christian music in the crucible of loser hell while hitting on a lazy-eyed bar whore makes him worthy of fiery death while being sodomized by the fat bass player from the Goo Goo Dolls. 5 DL's out of 5. Update post's a Toby Keith song. For this TPOTMM gets a whole new scale and rates 10 DL's and a multi-orifice drilling by a rabid bull moose with elephantisis of the cock. Supporting evidence is copied below:

If I Was Jesus, I'd have some real long hair
A robe and some sandals, is exactly what I'd wear
I'd be the guy at the party, turnin' water to wine
Yeah me and my disciples, we'd have a real good time.

Ooh and I'd lay my life down for you (woooooh)
And I show you who's the boss (woooooh)
I'd forgive you and adore you
While I was hangin' on your cross

If I Was Jesus. I’d have some friends that were poor
I'd run around with the wrong crowd, man I'd never be bored
Then I'd heal me a blind man
Get myself crucified
By politicians and preachers
Who got somethin' to hide.

If I Was Jesus
I'd come back from the dead
And I'd walk on some water
Just to mess with your head
I know your dark little secrets
I'd look you right in the face
And I'd tell you I love you
With Amazing Grace. Ooh....

I assume our President thinks this song is totally rad. But back to the profiles......

Henry Roid - Huge jawed, ripped up t-shirt, big huge veiny muscles where I don't even rate fat cells Henry was preening throughout the bar. He seems to be an inveterate ball juggler and made a good show of fondling himself while singing yet another Toby Keith song. When he finished singing Charlie Tuna stood up and yelled "I DO love this bar....AND YOU MAN!!!!" 5 DL's out of 5 and the moose fucking for invoking Toby Keith.

Benji the Race Car - Benji was wearing a Chevrolet ball cap, had a cheesy mustache, a mullet and best of all a pleather jacket with a black and white checkered flag pattern around the shoulders. Benji was tremendously pathetic looking but obviously thought he was a total badass. He swung his shoulders to and fro so wildly when walking that he looked like a real-life weeble. Benji was hitting unsuccessfully on one of the most heinous bar hags I have ever seen and as his rap went from atrocious to grotesque he compenstated by talking louder and louder and louder. I was hoping Benji would somehow shoulder swing himself into an exposed electrical wire and be electrocuted to a painful and smoldering demise. Benji gets 5 DL's for delusional badassedness and wearing a racecar jacket.

Cowboy - The saddest man on earth. Sitting at the bar with his arms crossed, alone and pathetic. He sighed more than Popeye. I'll give him 4 out of 5 just because I'm pretty sure death would be doing him a favor by coming around to say howdy.

That's all I have time for, sorry for the lameness. Next week I'll be back in regular rotation.

Oh yeah, if you like the Yankees I'm totally laughing at you. Ha Ha.


  • And ya' know what? They'r'll voting. DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:16 AM  

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