Democracy Tommy Lee Style

Let me state for the record that I can't stand Bush and think he is a duplicitous little piece of semi-idiotic and fully theologically fucked up piece of shit. Kerry could have stood up and professed undying gay man love for Joseph Stalin and I doubt it would have swayed my vote.

But still...

It's patently ridiculous to me that our President seems so aggravated at having to participate marginally in the electoral process. You would think he could put as much energy into preparing for the debate as he does reading scripture while sitting on the can in the morning but all he did was remind me of me in high school when I tried to B.S. my way through an oral book report for a book I never read.

“I KNOW IT WAS BIN LADEN THAT ATTACKED US!!! I WAS TOO COMBING MY HAIR!!! THAT’S NOT MY DEAD HOOKER…JEB MUST HAVE LEFT IT THERE!! I’M TELLING MOM!!!!”

It’s fucking ridiculous, I was waiting for him to look at his watch like his Anton LeVay motherfucking old man famously did during a debate until I remembered that Cheney tells time for Bush Jr. and his keepers don’t want him to get distracted by having unevenly weighted arms so he doesn’t get to wear a watch. He might forget to keep breathing.

I got particularly incensed when Bush in a moment of total floundering and stuttering and full on octane powered hem-haw vapidity pulled out that stupid fucking "I have climbed the mountain" pandering bullshit. It offends me because it smacks of "when I don't have anything else to say I'm going to remind you that Jesus really does like me more than the other guy so vote for me or go to Hell… as in real Hell it’s hot as a goddam motherfucker down here.” If I want Jesus for President I'll write him in, let me have that small comfort ok? Thanks. You dick.

The same type of thing aggravates the shit out of me about Kerry when his whole campaign has been "at least I'm not Bush". That's the argument for 21 year old roundheads at the Galaxy Hut and hyperventilating idiots on the internet like me to make, not the next Commander in Chief. Tell me why you should have the job you “this should be so easy to win but somehow I make it ridiculously hard” zombie motherfucker.

Jesus, how can you not beat Bush even by accident? How many more heads need to get sawed off before you get the message across that you can figure out a better plan? It’s like telling an employer that unlike the heroin addict working in the mailroom you only have an OxyContin and coke problem so he should go ahead and make the switch and wondering why you haven’t gotten a call back.

Don’t just meander around and tell the Security Mom’s they should be excited because your wang’s not as limp as the other cock in the contest. Shout it that out your dick is hard as a piece of Adamantium Rebar, you’re swinging it in front of you and you’re going to start ringing doorbells with it so America better get ready to swing from the ceiling and have four years of Pam and Tommy style Democracy up in here. WE WANT BETTER you douche, not just not as fucking bad. Make the electorate you’d love to fuck want to FUCK YOU TOO (to paraphrase Eazy-E).

Gross, I just talked about Kerry’s dick. Have you seen where he puts that thing? Anyway…

So like a lot of you I mostly sat back and chortled at the inane faces that Bush made. They’re the kind of faces that if some kid made them when you were picking sides for a game of Marco Polo you would pass up on him because he’s obviously too stupid to understand the concept of the game. From a comedic angle the split-screens were hilarious. The look of total bafflement on Bush's face when Kerry referenced Kennedy and DeGaulle should be the grail test for all Bush impersonators to pass.

Despite all of his policy retardation, criminality, and general fuckedness I still have fears that Bush will win. When it comes to things in life coming about that are really going to irritate the dogshit out of me they are usually right on time, maybe I ran over the head of the Illuminati’s mistress or something when I was drunk one night and now they have it in for me, I don’t know. Whatever, if I’m going to hate it you can damn well bet it’s scheduled for a prime time slot.

At least there is intrinsic proof out there that if Bush does win I can say "don't say you weren't warned that you're gonna get 48 more months of the same ramrod crammed up your banghole" to everybody that votes for him so I have that going for me. I told you so’s make dark times so much sweeter and amusing......at least until some fucker in a ski-mask with an agenda saws your head off on his way to drop nerve agents in the water cooler at your kid's soccer game.