Updates from the bar

Updates from the bar.

More profiles of desperate hammerheaded idiots that haunt the shitty bar up the road from my house.

Jack o’ Lantern the Stones Fucker – Starts conversations by leaning over and bumping his shoulder into whatever unwitting dupe happens to be unfortunate to be parked alongside him, (me quite recently). Has no front teeth on the top or bottom rows which leads to a big gaping hole in the middle of his mouth and a non-stop line of alcohol drool going down his bottom lip. A bad drunk and a loud one he grabbed me around the shoulder, looked me square in the eye and yelled, “I FUCKED KEITH RICHARDS IN HIS FUCKING ENGLISH ASS!!!!!!”, chuckled to himself and then lit the wrong end of his last cigarette. Jack is one of the only people so severely fucked up and retarded that he gets cut off at the bar. Jack is scary and I hope he gets hit by an armored truck before I have the decidedly bad luck to run into him again.

Roweena Emphysema – One of the only black women I have ever seen at the bar. She drinks Gin and Sodas (ewwwww) and smokes her “Misty” cigarettes one after another only interrupted by horrendous, LOUD, hacking up big chunks of lung matter style coughing. If there were to be a Tombstone II she would be a lock for the role of Doc Holliday’s black tubercular sister. I don’t really wish anything bad upon Roweena (her real name or at least what she uses for her tab) and even if I did she’ll be dead soon enough anyway.

Billy Jack(off) – Sullen native American sits and broods creepily until the alcohol kicks in and then he becomes belligerent and horny, (great combo). Last time I saw Billy he made the same pithy comment whenever the haggard bar maiden walked by – “hell…..I’d eat it!” Probably the less said about Billy Jack(off) the better.

Aladdin the Gay Basher – Homophobic, moronic weight lifter with a fu-manchu mustache that comes in after strenuously working out at the Gold’s Gym a few doors down from the bar. Constantly sprinkles his banter with lots of “damn faggy faggoty faggots being all gay and faggoty” kind of shit. Wears big puffy workout pants, I’m 100% convinced that he is a raging homosexual. Will probably someday end up getting a BJ from Jack O Lantern in exchange for a pack of smokes and then go kill Jack and himself while crying that he will never be free to love. That would certainly be a good day for the rest of us.

Cigar Joe – The asshole that smokes the cigar at the bar. Every bar has them and I detest them all equally. If you smoke cigars in a bar you’re a fucking nitwit and a douchebag, even if I like you for all other reasons in this I will wish you great ill will and possible destruction. I wish Cigar Joe would choke to death on one of those pieces of shit he has crammed in his mouth all goddam day. Cigar Joe’s wife/girlfriend/whatever is so astonishingly ugly she makes me double-take every time I see her. Someday soon I’m afraid she’ll actually turn me to stone.


There’s more, lord there are always more.