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Thursday, December 16, 2004

Scenes from a Chinese Restaurant


Life before Photoshop and regular employment Posted by Hello


Back in the day, as they say, in a place called Dumfries, Virginia there was a very interesting, scary and smelly place called the Tiki Fala. The Tiki as it was commonly known was a Chinese restaurant by day and a heavy metal bar by night. It was split into two halves by the front door. To the right, always off-limits and dark at night was the actual dining area that looked like any other health code mocking Chinese place and to the left was the “club.”

Wow!

The club side had a stage and a very beaten and large sound system, broken lights, a bar, some pool tables with rips in them, a couple video games and lots of small tables just made for tossing at someone’s head. It had a dressing room of sorts for the bands which was so fantastically disgusting that when I saw Trainspotting I laughed at the “worst toilet in Scotland” scene. That thing was a Martha Stewart showpiece compared to the green room at the Tiki.

The smell of the place was famous and/or infamous. It was like a nerve agent that dulled the brain and made really ugly people want to have sex with each other in the parking lot. Imagine the smell of the dirtiest dive bar you have ever been in with all the requisite piss and vomit and spewing from drunks. Got it? Take that smell and cross it with a three year old eggroll and you have the unique and un-washoutable smell of the Tiki Fala.

There was a very familiar and scary dance that happened there on more nights than not. Dumfries is squarely situated between the redneck heart of Prince William County, Virginia and the Quantico Marine Base. Take two opposing, mean, drunk, and amped up on heavy metal factions like that and mix them in a room full of sluts and violence is a given. It would usually start with some hard staring and then one drunk would bump another and the place would explode. It was amazing standing on this crappy stage and watching these Bros and fake ID wielding Marines just beat the living shit out of each other. It was wildly entertaining and as gross and horrific as the place was I have a soft spot in my brain for it.

All of the character of the bar was exemplified by its owner, a short little ill-tempered alcoholic troll of a woman with a vocabulary taken from the English School of Gunnery Sgt. Hartman and breath that could take out Darth Vader and his pussy gasmask without missing a beat. Her name was Yoong or Yung or something approximate to that. She did all the hands-on swindling of the stupid idiots that played there, (like me). This is a typical conversation with Yoong when trying to get paid after a show:

Doode – Ummm, hi..we’re all packed up now and was wondering if we could get paid.
Yoong – Get paid!!! You want get paid….for what?? Fuck youself son of bitch you band is terrible. No one pay to see you. You owe me money for stupid drunk friends at bar. Fuck you!
Doode – But the place was packed…
Yoong – PACKED!!! You so stupid, not packed. You not get shit!!!
Doode – I think that’s really unfair, I mean you promised us fifty dollars
Yoong – I NEVER PROMISE NOTHING!!!! (picks up frying pan) YOU CALLING ME LIAR!!!!!
Doode – No…..I must have been confused…..sorry…..uhhhh…
Yoong – You nice kid, here twenty bucks. You play next Tuesday, OK?

It was really insane. Once I was playing there and a big commotion broke out by the front door. One of the bartender’s started screaming, “Big Terry (the doorman) been stabbed…..WITH A HARPOON!!!!” Really, what kind of fucking bar has people getting stabbed with harpoons? That’s how whacky this place was. I saw fights, gross rednecks having sex in the bathroom, a woman beat her husband to unconsciousness with a boot, bared and terrifying breasts and some goddamn awful bands in that place but the one thing that I never ever saw was anyone order food. I wonder if it was any good.

The Tiki closed down a number of years ago when heavy metal kinda petered out. The metal bands tried to go grunge but it just wasn’t the same. Chicks didn’t wear spandex to grunge shows so instead of rocking the Marines headed out to the local Asian handjob parlors and the rednecks drifted up the road to Manassas. I have no idea what became of Yoong. I know Dave the soundguy died a few years back which was sad but inevitable. You can’t expect a guy named Dumb Dave whose proudest accomplishment was hiding his weed underneath his cigarettes in a plastic soap holder to hold out for very long once his natural habitat has been eliminated.

For all I know the building has been razed, it was in the parking lot of a strip mall. I bet the smell lingers though, like the hazardous waste at Love Canal. That shit has a half-life that will outlast all of us and our stupid musical offspring. A google search on "Tiki Fala Dumfries" revealed the following.

In the spring of 1999 Genesis (Formerly Tiki Fala) had their liquor license suspended for 45 days and was fined $1,000 for rowdy and disorderly conduct.

A band called Sexsist (YEAH!) listed the Tiki on their venues page along with this confusing and incomprehensible sentence – (you wouldn't think that they like to play out a lot wouldn't you?)

Larry Guggenheim played there!

As did Ronnie Rogers! (For the love of all things unintentionally comedic please visit Ronnie’s page)

Spur jammed there too!


Some guy named Biker Tom had this pithy memory – “still remember how a bar-maid brought me a beer on a tray, which I decided to lift off the tray myself, subsequently causing the rest of the drinks on her tray to fall to the ground.” Way to go Biker Tom!

Somehow I have a feeling that me and Biker Tom drank together at some point back then, either that or he kicked my ass.

14 Comments:

  • Tiki ... the building at least ... is still there. It's now called the John Wayne American restaurant or something.

    I'm still too afraid to go in there. Last time I was there I got a killer blowjob in the parking lot while my girlfriend slept in the restaurant part of the place.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:43 PM  

  • Afraid the same guy is still waiting for to cum back so he can take you in his mouth again?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:12 PM  

  • Now that was funny. Idiots that can't formulate a sentence are always entertaining.

    By Blogger Castor OiL, at 2:17 PM  

  • For il!

    By Blogger notionsUnlimited, at 2:49 PM  

  • Thats just Spurific...Er.

    By Blogger Phil Rossi, at 3:03 PM  

  • Nothing finer than the bouncer, who at some point was stabbed with a harpoon, yelling across the parking lot that he was about to pound my ass into oblivion. Ah, good times.

    By Blogger twentyonepro, at 3:46 PM  

  • Well I'm sure you deserved it. No one ever took an irrational and unwarranted beating at the Tiki. Oh wait....that happened all the time!

    Move along, nothing to see here.......

    By Blogger Castor OiL, at 8:20 AM  

  • haha, check this out about 703

    http://melikeyrock.blogspot.com/

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:52 AM  

  • Nothing screams "ROCK" like a Tuesday night at the Tiki!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:24 PM  

  • "Can I get a Hell Yeah....."

    "HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!"

    By Blogger Castor OiL, at 10:09 AM  

  • Tiki Fala kicked ass... get wasted, get laid, go home to the Ms and get more ass.

    I lived right down the road in some shithole apt next to the stop-n-rob with my crazy tequila swigging slant-eyed gf in '88.

    GOD I MISS THOSE DAYS

    By Blogger fo0hzy, at 11:02 PM  

  • yes, those were the days!! luved that place!...bj's,beer and bounc'n!! still got pic's!!! christ

    By Blogger devildog517, at 8:19 PM  

  • i was a bouncer there! man, that place was good times!! what memorie's!!!! never left without getting laid, getting aressted or getting bruised.... sometime's...ALL THREE!!!!!

    By Blogger devildog517, at 3:12 AM  

  • This is a test of the castor oil broadcast system

    By Blogger perroperdido, at 9:30 PM  

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